Will’s Word On Warwick: Smack or pass? The ultimate Tuesday night dilemma
Opinion Comedy Column
Smack, as the name suggests, is a rather violent place. However, it is also a very magical place, with its lively and vibrant queues, cheap shots, and hundreds of trip hazards: surely it is the perfect environment to spend every Tuesday night…or is it?
Some nutters, rare as they are, would rather pass, arguing that there are better ways to spend a Tuesday night. I’m sure that many of you are thinking that this suggestion is pure lunacy: Kasbah is shut – so are Moo and Neon – and no one’s going to go all the way into Birmingham. Since not going clubbing is obviously never an option and venturing into Birmingham might see you never return, I will be arguing the case for Smack, not pass.
Picture this: you’re in a dingy courtyard that looks like the site of some terrible Victorian murder, with water that seems to be constantly dripping onto you, even though it hasn’t been raining. Oh yes, that’s right, you are in the Smack smoking area, and by God does it feel good.
I am inclined to describe the upstairs music as borderline unlistenable, both before and, to a slightly lesser extent, after midnight
From there, make sure to enjoy the majesty of the inside as you’re given the rare opportunity to listen to Taylor Swift’s ‘Love Story’ up to three times a night. Also, don’t forget to take an iconic photo in front of the Smack wall, with the full knowledge that it will be tragically photobombed by someone you don’t know.
Following this, you can bask in the fragrances of the downstairs room and then fall down those stairs later from intoxication, a natural response to your environment and a way of coping with the harsh realities of Smack. The downstairs, of course, is its own microcosm of hell: it is dark, small, intensely sweaty and plays British rap. It also rivals the queue in number of scraps and is full of people dancing on the tables. Frankly, it’s a miracle no one has died there. However, if they did, and they were a particularly bad person, I imagine they’d be sent to a place not unlike Smack’s lower floor.
Once you’ve enjoyed the sights, the sounds, and, most importantly, the smells of downstairs, be sure to go back upstairs to enjoy some more tunes. I am inclined to describe the upstairs music as borderline unlistenable, both before and, to a slightly lesser extent, after midnight. The pre-midnight set has also more recently been described as an assault on all the senses, predominately hearing – mostly by me, just now.
Perhaps the most important part of the Smack experience is the queue, mainly because that’s where you’ll be spending most of your time. The queue is set up in a way that is not unlike the Hunger Games: there are no rules – it’s a dog-eat-dog situation, and aggression and selfishness are king. Possibly the only difference between the two systems is that the barriers for the Smack queue are not electric forcefields, but a set of very unbalanced, easy-to-topple metal fences, which are scalable and collapsible at a moment’s notice.
Make sure to use your influence with the people slightly further up in the queue to maximise your odds – consider them the Capital sponsors to your Katniss Everdeen. Unfortunately, however, the same works the opposite way, as when you’re near the front of the queue there will be people outside it, likely that you barely know, who will suddenly rediscover your unbreakable, lifelong bond and be eager to discuss the matter, next to you, in the queue.
Perhaps the widespread concern that Smack would be closed and repurposed as student accommodation was too much for some people to handle, causing emotions to flair
Of course, the ultimate tip for the Smack queue is to push like your life depends on it. This will cause a cheeky crowd surge and is a great thing because it means that everyone gets moving and everyone gets in. It’s a foolproof system and, I’m sure, has literally never gone wrong.
Personally, I’ve been involved in many a Smack queue. In fact, I would say that I’ve been in at least twice as many queues for Smack than nights inside it. Whilst my success rate may be bad, it’s not for lack of trying. On Halloween, I queued for over an hour to no avail. On another occasion, I had to dip beforehand, despite having a ticket, because I’d accidentally consumed too hot a chilli at a pre-drinks.
Finally, last year, I was turned away from one of Smack’s many funerals, on the final Smack night of Term 3. What began as a sombre affair quickly turned violent – perhaps the widespread concern that Smack would be closed and repurposed as student accommodation was too much for some people to handle, causing emotions to flair.
After an hour and a half of queuing, without moving, someone wisely resorted to ‘Astroworlding this b****’ thereby causing a surge. Shockingly, this somehow ended badly. The fences came down, the security materialised, fights were raging, some guy was starting on a bouncer, which is frankly God’s work and, overall, it was a wonderful time.
I stood as close to the bouncer and his challenger as I could manage – a personal pastime of mine that I would recommend whenever you see a fight or an argument, manoeuvring yourself as closely as possible to it, to the point where you are stood almost between them. This has never backfired before (or more accurately, yet), as normally the two combatants are too focused on each other on to acknowledge my baffling presence, as I marginally encroach on their personal space.
Tragically, however, my friend Raph whisked me away in a fervour: I guess, sometimes, even Warwick’s finest crack under the intense pressure of Smack Tuesday.
What is Tuesday without Smack? It’s certainly food for thought
One must also remember that the musical genius of Smack is not limited to its DJs, and that former Leam local Stormzy, the renowned Grime rapper and the mind behind both Shut up and Vossi Bop, claims, on Twitter, to have been involved in a classic Smack Tuesday brawl “with my brother @JSMcghee.” Stormzy even describes this era of his life as “good times.” It is currently unknown as to whether another former Leamington local, Napoleon III, engaged in similar Smack-related seshs and scraps, since, as far as we know, Mr. Napoleon doesn’t even have Twitter – in fact, he may have died up to 133 years before Twitter was discovered.
Regardless, following this breaking news five years ago, there have been suggestions that Stormzy should take over as SU President. Is it possible that when Stormzy wrote “Heavy is the head that wears the crown” he was referring to the prospect of shouldering the heavy weight of office that comes with being SU Pres? I imagine the answer is yes, that’s exactly what he meant.
There are other questions too: would Stormzy Vossi Bop his way through weekly Smack Tuesday sessions, was he on the £1.50 shots, and is there a photo, somewhere in the archives, of Mr Stormzy in front of the Smack wall? Perhaps we’ll never know. Overall, Stormzy may raise more questions than he answers.
Many would argue that Smack Tuesday is Tuesday, in the sense that Smack is as necessary to the week as Tuesday, or any other day, is, and that the two are inextricably linked. What is Tuesday without Smack? It’s certainly food for thought.
Ultimately, and most importantly, however, Stormzy gives Smack his stamp of approval. So is the case closed? Is Smack the answer? Yes, yes it is, and to those who disagree I would quote the great man himself and say: shut up.
Be sure to join me soon as I look at another of Leamington’s finest clubs, in my upcoming article: Is more Assembly required?
Will’s Word On Warwick is a satirical column intended for comedic purposes only.
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