Living with arthritis

When I was 17, I was told by a doctor that I had Psoriatic Arthritis. Arthritis used to be something I would never have to think about until I was older. It was something that my primary school teachers told me I would get if I continued to crack my knuckles. It was nothing terrible, just a bit of stiffness in your joints when you get old.

Now, arthritis is agony all over my body. It is the inability to get out of bed on bad days. It is the pain so bad I need help getting dressed, and it is the medication that leaves me incapable of eating or staying awake.

I genuinely thought that finally being diagnosed with arthritis, after months of not knowing what was wrong with me, would be the worst part. I thought the label would be the most painful thing I would hear or experience. In hindsight, I can only wish that the pain of being diagnosed would be the worst thing I could feel.

There was no one in my life who came close to understanding what I was going through

There was nothing that could prepare me for the isolation I began to experience. There was no one in my life who came close to understanding what I was going through. Everyday I was in constant, inescapable pain. I was exhausted by the agony.

Over the next nine months, I lost nearly two stone due to stress and a loss of appetite caused by the harsh medication. To this day, my relationship with food is complicated. I constantly over-analyse about how much I should eat, feeling unhappy if I’m unable to have enough, and feeling guilty if I have too much. I wore baggy clothes to stop my friends from realising how much weight I had lost, and I would calculate which meals of the day I would eat to match when I was socialising, just so people wouldn’t notice I was eating any less.

As well as this, I found it impossible to motivate myself to socialise with my friends. I had just turned 18, and I was unable to drink because of my medication. I had lost the energy and motivation to talk to anyone at school, and the pain I left me barely able to get out of bed in the mornings, let alone go out at night. I found myself crying daily, constantly feeling like a burden to the ones that were looking out for me, and always angry at those who I felt had forgotten me.

I felt as though I had completely lost one of the best parts of myself

My hobbies were lost among all this. From the age of 14, I had been so incredibly passionate about music and song writing. I was performing whenever I could. I felt like it was something I was truly made to do, and I thought for a short while that it could be a career. But when arthritis hit me, this was no longer the case. The pain in my hands made playing guitar or piano agony, and the misery I felt gave me no space to write anything. For nearly two years, I wrote nothing. I felt as though I had completely lost one of the best parts of myself.

I was in my final year of school. Everything was lost. The strain of trying to accomplish my schoolwork and maintain whatever was left of my social life was overwhelming. All I felt was shame and anger, towards myself and to everyone around me, and I felt as though I had no grasp of who I was anymore. When my medication finally began to ease the pain I was in, the hole inside me was still left vacant.

I socialised whenever I could, putting all my effort into meeting new people

Yet, when I arrived at Warwick in 2018, it felt like the perfect opportunity to reinvent myself and make friends without this burden obstructing my view. I threw myself into activities I had thought impossible for the last two years. I got involved in shows, following choreography I could only have dreamed of doing six months prior. I started going to the gym with my friends because, for the first time since I was 15, I was adjusted to the pain exercise would put me in. I socialised whenever I could, putting all my effort into meeting new people. I started to feel like the person I had lost two years before.

Now, in my second year of study, I find myself challenging myself even more, becoming involved in sports societies, doing charity work, and writing more than I ever had before my diagnosis. I feel like I can accomplish whatever I put my mind to, and my arthritis isn’t always a consideration.

After living with this illness for almost three years, I have found peace in knowing the pain I’ve endured has only made me stronger

I have found that the discussion about arthritis among young people is non-existent. I used to be so ashamed of everything I felt and all the pain I was going through, and I was desperate to hide it from everyone in my life. But now I want to be that person I needed when I was first diagnosed.

I wish I could tell my 17-year-old self that the isolation wouldn’t last forever. Though I can’t go back, I’m so grateful that I know that now. The pain is not gone. The isolation still lingers to this day. But after living with this illness for almost three years, I have found peace in knowing the pain I’ve endured has only made me stronger.