Your year at Warwick through tech you (really don’t) need

To celebrate the end of another hellish term three, Alex Stevens sums up his year at Warwick through his top tech picks, which range from the sublime to the absolutely ridiculous.

1. The fidget spinner

It’s Freshers’ week: you’re nervous, excited and desperate to make a good first impression. But what’s the best way of introducing yourself to your new potential friends? A cringe nickname? An odd fashion choice? Nope, it’s the fidget spinner. Don’t worry, your new friends aren’t laughing at you, they’re laughing with you!

2.  Apple Airpods

It’s a little after Freshers’ now, and you’re looking for ways to cement your reputation as BNOC. But what’s the easiest way to tell the entire campus you study in the Warwick Business School? You could always participate in one of the library inter-floor French shouting tournaments that run throughout the year, but more likely you invested a pair of Apple Airpods. Sure, they’re ridiculously expensive and more than a little impractical, but regular earphones just won’t cut it if you want to fit in at the WBS.

Image: Euclidthalis / Wikimedia Commons

3. Magikarp Splash

The intital excitement of the term has worn off but it’s a little too early to get excited for the end-the procrastination begins. Forget Pokemon Go!, Magikarp Splash was a game recommended to me by my flatmate and it is the perfect analogy for your yearly procrastination. It seems harmless at first, just a few minutes here and there doing something completely mindless to distract from your work. But before you know it, its 4am. You haven’t showered in days. Your paper on on European interactions with the Ottomans is due in a few hours and all you’ve written so far is your name and the title of a book the library definitely does not have a copy of. Even after you’ve sworn off it for good, it haunts your dreams begging you to come back. More damaging to your degree than a few pints of Purple will ever be.

…as suave and clever as you thought you were, the rest of the year is spent avoiding eye contact with them in your seminars.

4. The Nokia 3310

The relaunched Nokia 3310 phone is just like attempting to smooth-talk your way into someone’s text messages. Set the scene: Friday night at a questionable yet cheap bar in Leam and you spot them. They give you a smile; you sidle over, drop your absolute killer line (My personal favourite- “I noticed you noticing me noticing you” -currently has a 100% success rate) and ask for their number. You walk back to your friends feeling like a true king. Then the next day you forget to text them. No biggie, you’ll do it tomorrow, you keep telling yourself three weeks later. But the opportunity is gone, and as suave and clever as you thought you were, the rest of the year is spent avoiding eye contact with them in your seminars. And that’s what will happen if you buy this phone. Sure, it’ll get a few laughs and Snake 2 is a classic game, but after a while it becomes tiring and embarrassing. Stick with the modern tech you dummy.

Image: Kyrosho / Wikimedia Commons

5. The Tesco app

You doubtlessly started off the year with the best intentions- healthy eating and trying to stick to your budget. The trusty Tesco app allows you to deliver food right to your door, sort of like a takeaway, but cheaper and your parents won’t judge you for it. By term three however it’s just a painful reminder of all the Dominos you shouldn’t have ordered. Looking on the bright side, it’s still a handy way to compare the prices of all the fancy alcohol they stock before you decide to get own brand vodka for the third time that week, you hot mess you.

This trusty gadget will let you finish the year with a bit of flair- term three might have nearly broken you but you’re definitely still standing…

6. A smoke machine?

You’ve finally made it to the end of the year, and no piece of tech is as versatile as the budget smoke machine. But what use might a poor student have for such a thing I hear you ask? For over-dramatizing everything about your mundane day-to-day life of course!  Want to go to the kitchen to make a cuppa? You’re masked in smoke as your flatmates stare in awe at this mysterious figure passing through. Want to obscure how messy your room is when your parents come to visit? The fog can hide the pizza boxes, the beer cans and the worrying amount of mould.  What about the time you needed to hide from your flatmates your return at nine in the morning after going for a few ‘casual drinks’ with a ‘friend from your seminar’? Well the smoke machine might not hide that, but it’s sure to make you look more majestic as you stride in smelling of beer and bad decisions. If only you’d had one to mask your emotions as you left your last exam. If nothing else, this trusty gadget will let you finish the year with a bit of flair- term three might have nearly broken you but you’re definitely still standing.