Coach Class: Surviving the Long-Haul Coach Journey

There’s something magical about the long-haul bus journey. The colourful characters, the rolling scenery outside, the chance for a well-earned nap… Did I say magical? Oh, forgive me, I meant horrific.

I’m sure (as I am sorry) that this article comes a bit late for those who descended on Edinburgh for the Fringe. But for those who I can save (perhaps those of you contemplating the 22 hour coach journey that is an inevitable part of ski tour), I will endeavour to do so by presenting an indispensable guide to surviving the long-haul bus journey.

NB: For the sake of this guide, we’re going to count anything over four hours as long-haul. This is the average time, as noted by the British Bladder and Bowel Foundation, between an average person’s bowel movements in a twenty-four hour period.

Wear the right clothes: Understand that sitting still for ages can be made much more bearable by the right attire, and conversely, rendered hellish by the wrong wear. Choose loose. I recommend sweatpants, an airy shirt and a hoody (the hood doubles up as a cocoon and veil of darkness, essential for a cosy and unsociable voyage).

Choose the right seat: You’ve probably guessed that I was never a back-of-the-bus kind of person. But even though I avoided the brawl to get the coolest seats in town (and thus failed to demonstrate my popularity to my classmates), I always escaped the build-up of litter and foul smells that collected there as a result of the bus’ forward motion (science, eh?). Sit towards the front and in the aisle. You might have to let your travel-buddy out if they need to relieve themselves, but you will profit from a precious bit of extra legroom on the outer side. You will need it, as they will inevitably steal into yours.

Pack the right food: As a regular victim of public transport, I come across several kitchens worth of smells daily. I’m a big foodie, but would rather not endure the noisome odours of your neighbour’s tuna mayo or tupperware fish curry. Forego your diet for the duration of the trip and consume flapjacks and water sparingly. Adequately filling slow-release energy without sitting too heavily on the stomach. Which helps you triumphantly ignore nature’s call.

Choose the right entertainment: Your primary goal on your journey is to nap, and in so doing, ignore most of said journey. However for the time you can’t spend asleep, drown out the sounds of obnoxious children/drunken friends with a relaxing music mix on your mp3 player. Avoid buses with communal TVs at all costs. More often than not it’s an Adam Sandler film, and I will not be forced to watch You don’t mess with the Zohan again.

Lastly, Do NOT under any circumstances count on the bus toilet. It will fill up before you hit the nearest motorway, and will resemble ground-zero of a nuclear strike. Go beforehand. Even if you don’t think you need it, you do. Save yourself.

If you follow this advice, you will still have a terrible experience. But one that is slightly less terrible than otherwise. If all else fails, adopt the tried-and-tested student fix-all: Alcohol. Worst-case scenario, you’ll be arrested for disorderly behaviour, and transferred to a much more comfortable police van.