The Lord of the Flies: A Warwick Retelling

The boy with fair hair lowered himself down the last few stairs and began to pick his way between what felt like empty coffee cups, piles of library receipts and the occasional sleeping finalist. The only thing he could see was the dim green light of the fire escape sign by the exit, so that was where he headed. However, he tripped over something soft.

“Mm-wassat?” mumbled the obstacle. The thing over which he had tripped turned out to be Peggy, a second-year Classics student who on the way back from Neon decided that it would be a great idea to finish her essay. She had no money, no idea what time it was and very few clothes on, but she drew out from her bra a glow-stick – the only source of light since the lights in the library had suddenly flickered out and the grille at the exit had come rattling down.

The thing over which he had tripped turned out to be Peggy, a second-year Classics student who on the way back from Neon decided that it would be a great idea to finish her essay

Ralph took the glow-stick from her and walked over to the exit, where a group of students were either in floods of tears, panicking about work that was due tomorrow or loudly declaring that they were going to call their lawyers – just as soon as they could charge their phones.

Ralph quickly took charge and separated the group into two. Social Sciences students would scour the library for munchies and – more importantly – caffeine, while the STEM students would try and figure out how to restore power (Humanities students don’t tend to stay very late in the library).

Social Sciences students would scour the library for munchies and – more importantly – caffeine, while the STEM students would try and figure out how to restore power (Humanities students don’t tend to stay very late in the library)

Thus began the most devastating struggle at Warwick University since a neo-liberalist was elected to the Sab Officer team. The two groups, at first working together, now turned against each other with the Social Scientists withholding Jaffa Cakes and the STEM crew insisting that the wifi network was down.

To make matters worse, the Floor 0 doors were found to be unlocked with coffee-stained paw prints painted impossible high, which gave birth to the legend of the Demon Puppy who, forgotten after Doggy Destress Day, had gulped down all the coffee in the ground floor cafetière and had grown to monstrous proportions.  Both parties vowing to destroy the Demon Puppy, the casualties were numerous and horrific, with a politics student being severely papercut by a book about Alexander Hamilton and a statistics student being accidentally kicked.

The Demon Puppy who, forgotten after Doggy Destress Day, had gulped down all the coffee in the ground floor cafetière and had grown to monstrous proportions

Dawn’s light crept in through the windows and slowly illuminated the bruised and caffeine deprived students chasing each other with table legs and binder clips. The stairwell lights came on to show that the Demon Puppy’s paw prints were nothing but unfortunately shaped mould. The first cleaner arrived and unlocked the doors, and on seeing the carnage, thought “I am definitely not paid enough.”