Clickbait Corner: 5 horrifying live action Pokémon

There’s been speculation regarding a live action adaptation of the Pokémon franchise for many years now. With an apparent secret auction of the film’s rights in April, and sources suggesting that Chinese Production studio Legendary Entertainment are the likely buyers, a film could be well on the way.

Boar Games, however, has other ideas. Before Legendary lock down the production rights,  they should perhaps take a moment to consider the live action incarnations of these five Pokémon:

Pikachu

Isn’t Pikachu adorable? Yellow skin, cute red cheeks, emphasising each shocking attack with a cute cry of “Pika”. Wrong. Pikachu is not cute, it’s irritating, and in real life, it’d be deadly. It’s essentially an overgrown rat with the side ability to kill people with thunderbolts to the face. And as rats are well known for chewing cables, they’d do a lot of damage to the national grid. Pikachu is an economic disaster waiting to happen people.

Image Credit: Bulbapedia

Tauros

I hate cows. I’ve always hated them. They’re large, ungainly and ready to kill. I was almost trampled by a cow once on my DofE. Imagine if poor DofE kids had to face herds of Tauros instead of the normal two horned fiends. They’re well known for being exceptionally violent, whipping things with their three tails and not stopping headlong charges without killing or seriously maiming something. Even more importantly – if we had Tauros’ rather than cows, burgers would be a lot harder to come by.

Image Credit: Bulbapedia

Diglett

I like Diglett. Apart from the fact that it’s essentially an underground penis, it’s relatively powerful, and it’s useful for taking down Lt. Surge. But in the real world, they’d be the worst. Their method of travel is to just burrow around everywhere, with no consideration for utility systems. There would be an earthquake every bloody day, and there would be no such thing as pipelines anymore. Can you imagine that? You turn your tap on, and instead of water you just get hundreds of mud penises pouring out? Disaster.

Image Credit: Bulbapedia

Aerodactyl

This one is much simpler to explain – Aerodactyl is just an airborne killer. Now, regarding the category of ‘doom from the air’ I could have chosen any number of Pokémon, but Aerodactyl has one simple distinction that others don’t – he tried to kill Ash in the cartoon. This beast is a cartoon killer. It kills cartoons. That’s just morally corrupt. I want winged demons with a sense of morality and justice, like Batman. Choose Batman, not Aerodactyl

Image Credit: Bulbapedia

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Pidgey

This one may seem like an odd choice, but it does follow a certain logic. You see, what sort of birds are most common in the Pokemon world? Pidgeys. Therefore, what would they replace in the real world? Pigeons. Good lord, no. Rather than that soft, comforting “coo”, you’d get cries of “pidgey” left, right and centre when on a pleasant trip to London. The noise would be incessant and horrible. And as well as that, there would always be the risk that if you’d piss one of them off, it’d evolve into Pidgeotto and rip your face off. That would be unpleasant.

Image Credit: Bulbapedia

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Think other Pokémon would look more horrific than these five? Let us know @BoarGames