BREAKING: SU president-elect arrested for farting at bouncer in Malia

Happy April Fool’s Day, from the Boar:

Isaac Leigh, next year’s Students’ Union (SU) president, has been arrested for allegedly farting at a club bouncer during ‘Sabb Tour’ in Crete’s most popular party destination yesterday, Tuesday 31 March.

The holiday trip, planned to run from Sunday 29 March to Saturday 4 April, was meant to bring together last year’s and this year’s sabbatical teams.

It is understood that Mr Leigh farted at a bouncer of Malia’s Candy nightclub after he was refused entry for dressing”inappropriately”.

As police arrived on the scene, Leigh was heard screaming: “F**k the patriarchy! F**k the all-white male sabb team!”

A representative of Candy club said: “We do not tolerate nudity and it is vital that we protect the safety of club goers.

“Above all, Mr Leigh was arrested because his fart proved to be a safety hazard for our staff.”

Mr Leigh remains in custody while the SU have stepped in to deal with legal issues on his behalf. The sabbatical teams were flown back immediately after the arrest.

Luke Pilot, welfare and campaigns officer-elect, added: “like oh my god! His fart was really smelly! I think it might have paralysed the bouncers’ brain function so we should use this in the legal case…

“None present were of sound mind.”

A slightly intoxicated Oliver Rice, democracy and development officer-elect, commented: “One minute, we were having a sick time and the next, we were like, back here and I… don’t.. want… boring here….” (Transcribed word for word from interview recording)

Rob Ankcorn, current democracy and development officer, was in tears when the Boar found him: “I am so sad! We were bros, and I left him in Malia!”

George Creasy, next year’s societies officer, was less sympathetic of Mr Leigh, saying: “Eew. What did he have for dinner? I never liked that dude anyway.”

Alex Roberts, sports officer-elect, also said: “I got 99 problems, but Isaac ain’t one.”

When asked for comment, Andrew Thompson, postgraduate officer, said: “Bullshit.”

A Boar poll showed that 60 percent of students wanted to re-elect the SU president, 20 percent were indifferent and 20 percent wanted to bring Mr Leigh back.

Connor O’Shea, co-News editor and second-year classics undergraduate, expressed his disapproval of Mr Leigh’s actions: “That gent should knoweth better than to taketh part in such baffoonery and foppery!”

Ellie Finlay, second-year history of art student, described Mr Leigh as “treacherous”. She complained: “His eyelashes are too long.”

Luke Brown, former Sports editor and Literature finalist, said: “He looks like the sun from the Tellytubbies.

“But he was such a boss. Top lad, that guy was. It was top banter. He shouldn’t have been arrested. [quote shortened from here onwards] Lad… lad… lad… banter… BANTER… top lad…”