Election Clockwatch

By Luke Brown
Feb. 27, 2015
Posted in Comment

00:40: And there we have it. Warwick’s Student Union for 2015/16, settled. And I don’t know about you, but tonight has made me realise that we really, really do have some exceptional young people in our ranks here at Warwick. Young people with hope and belief, ready to make a difference in their communities, and in the wider world around them. It’s inspiring stuff, and I’d like to finish this clockwatch by saying a big congratulations to them.

As for the rest of you, do yourself a favour and just turn your laptop off and go to bed. You’ve got work you should be doing, haven’t you? But then again, maybe you’ve already given up, which is arguably the best option. You were never going to succeed at University, really, not with all of these campaigning super students milling about. They’ve got more drive than you. They’re more intelligent. Some are even younger than you are (looking at YOU George Creasy). Believe me, your life starts to smooth over a little bit when you just accept these things. Enjoy your weekend and enjoy the last couple of weeks of term, because before long you’re going to be working an average job, with an average family, and your all existence is going to be formidably average. ‘How did I get here?’, you’ll wonder to yourself, as the alarm clock rings for another utterly nondescript day. Before you know it, what was left of your youth will be gone, and the clammy embrace of death- which you’ll have begun feeling intermittently clawing away at your shoulder- will soon embrace you. That’s how it ends for you when you waste your time and don’t do anything with your life, it’s just the way it is.

Anyway cheers for sticking with the clockwatch, it’s been a blast. Have a good one!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9Wl_uQOABxg

00:35: Just to recap, your new saab team for 2015/16. Nat Panda, Luke Pilot, Alex Roberts, George Creasy, Oliver Rice, Charlie Hindhaugh, and the man himself, Isaac Leigh.

A fantastic team, undoubtedly, but top of their agenda should certainly be increasing representation for the 2016/17 seven.

00:34: No, he’s thanking his campaign team and everybody who voted for him. And he also thanks the candidates who ran against him, which is a nice touch, commenting on the fact that they ran their own campaigns and didn’t try to smear him (ooo, er). He also thanks his girlfriend, Chloe Wynne, and the incumbent President, Cat Turhan.

Isaac deserves this, he really does. An exceptionally nice guy who will do a wonderful job as the President of your SU.

00:33: Incredible scenes here, Isaac Leigh just held the Copper Rooms spellbound with this inspiring inauguration speech. I’m welling up, I’m welling up. He takes the microphone and makes this stirring speech:

“I know full well the responsibilities that await me as I enter the door of SUHQ and I’ll strive unceasingly to try to fulfil the trust and confidence that Warwick students have placed in me and the things in which I believe. And I would just like to remember some words of St. Francis of Assisi which I think are really just particularly apt at the moment. ‘Where there is discord, may we bring harmony. Where there is error, may we bring truth. Where there is doubt, may we bring faith. And where there is despair, may we bring hope’”.

(Before anyone complains, no he obviously didn’t say that. His actual remarks to follow.)

00:30: YOUR NEXT SU PRESIDENT IS ISAAC LEIGH!

00:25: Andy King is also in the running, and his campaign has involved a lot of Disney which could prove popular with the voters. We also have Dan ‘Russell Brand’ Goss (with an absolutely AMAZING manifesto which needs its own website) and Stanley Dodd, who wears a dressing gown in public. And again: Stanley Dodd, he wears a dressing gown in public.

And the music has started, and it all comes down to this. The Elections Clockwatch sincerely hopes you voted. We honestly do- my Grandad didn’t die in a foreign country fighting the Nazis for you to years later not to vote on the next President of Warwick University, you know.

00:20: IT’S THE BIG ONE NEXT! The biggest news of the night. The biggest result. The biggest D, if you will. And, of course, there are four candidates. We have Andy King, we have Stanley Dodd, we have Dan Goss, and we have Isaac Leigh.

Let’s start with the latter, and Isaac Leigh has ran an exceptionally strong campaign this week, I don’t think that he’s actually left campus all week. That nice shade of yellow he opted for was a good choice too, I think, a very eye-catching hue. I mean, just look at him in this picture here. Adorable, right? He looks like a cheekier, grown up version of the sun from the Tellytubbies.

The Sun from the Tellytubbies.

The Sun from the Tellytubbies.

Isaac Leigh.

Isaac Leigh.

00:15: Your next Education Officer is…CHARLIE HINDHAUGH! I’m really sorry, but I missed his speech and don’t have a clue what he just said. So I’m going to guess: “Thanks for voting for me everybody! I really support education and I’m going to make sure that everybody at Warwick carries on getting educated. Also something about a 24/7 library. Cheers!” Pioneering journalism, coming at you live on the election clockwatch.

00:07: Getting serious for a moment, and people are currently raising concerns on Twitter that we’re heading for an all male saab team. Definitely not cool, and I’ll be featuring a few of the comments here.

00:00: Crikey, it’s midnight. Treat yourself to this little number, and stick with us for the Education Officer result.

23:52: And your DDO 2015 is Oliver Rice! Clearly people didn’t think twice, ‘ey? He’s given what looks like a really emotional speech here, but sadly we can’t hear him all that well because his microphone doesn’t seem to be working. Suddenly it comes on, and one of the first things I can hear is “The SU isn’t just a place to buy a baguette!” And no, it certainly isn’t. You can buy sandwiches from the Bread Oven too, now. They taste great and they’re cheaper- and that’s what democracy is all about folks.

23:50: OMFG DDO next! The role of DDO is incredibly important in the running of our Students Union. They essentially safeguard democracy, dedicating their term towards fighting off the evil threats of fascism and communism. Without them, campus would swiftly degrade into a period of turmoil reminiscent of the dying days of Weimer Germany, with those right wing capitalist business school kids engaging in fatal street battles with the Free Education cagoule crew. Senate House would be reduced to rubble. The Koan would fall, an icon of peaceful times that were, forever lost. Democracy would die, and we would develop no more. Or something like that.

23:40: Apologies if the clockwatch momentarily looked ugly then, we’re having a formatting problem. Yeah, a formatting problem. Geez, that all sounds terribly middle aged doesn’t it? Next you’ll hear me complaining that my stocks are down and I’m having engine trouble with the Lexus.

23:35: And the winner is… GEORGE CREASY! Holy moly, the 100 or so odd people in the Copper Rooms tonight like that decision. He gets a big hug from Isaac before he thanks his team. Clearly the Snapchat campaign worked wonders. Understandable to be honest, just look at that face above. What a cutie pie.

23:30: THE TENSE ELECTION MUSIC IS PLAYING! Oh fiddlesticks, my palms are sweaty and my sphincter is tightening. This is a big one this election and there are four very impressive candidates running: Jesal Sheta, Emi Meakin, Aaron George and George Creasy.

23:26: Reading this in a clandestine fashion at pre drinks? Good on you. Ignore the naysayers, you’re clearly politically conscious AND you know how to have fun. Reading this alone, in your dark, cold student bedroom? You should probably find some friends.

23:25: Quick plug for RaW and WTV as, joking aside, they’re doing a fantastic job tonight. You can catch their content on the RaW website and on YouTube. If you don’t, you’re a MUG.

23:20: Socs Officer is next, and rumour has it that it’s been one of the closest contests this Union has ever seen (and that’s one of those genuine rumours, not the kind you just make up to keep people interested). We’ll keep you updated on that of course, but I’m currently off for another pint, on the logic that this will all become a lot more tense and seem a lot more important if I’m pissed.

23:12: And the winner is… RON! Lol I’m only pulling your twiglet, it’s Alex Roberts. A really lovely guy and the fact that he was the only candidate shouldn’t diminish his success, he’ll be great for the job.

23:10: Next up we have the results of the Sports Officer election. Now I’m not usually a betting man (I’m only saying that, actually won a couple of hundred on an eightfold the other day, ELJERO ELIA YOU BEAUTY), but if I were, I’d be tempted in having a flutter on Alex Roberts here. That’s largely because he’s running unopposed. Between you and me, I’ve heard that he’s actually a bit of a tyrant. By day he jollies around campus as captain of the men’s first team football squad, but come the night time, he’s in full on Stalin mode- arresting and quashing political opponents left right and centre.

23:00: There’s something quite heartbreaking about the emptiness of the dancefloor, isn’t there? The DJ is currently spinning quite the terry and june, all wobbling bass and power rhythm chorus, and I’ve started feeling the beat of the song in my heart. My foot starts tapping. My hips start swaying. Suddenly, I’m up, body popping my way into the middle of the Copper Rooms. I brush past Isaac Leigh who watches bemused, I do the robot as I pass Andrew Thompson, who casts me an envious glance. A small circle of people forms around me and I hold them all in the palm of my hand, lost in the moment, lost in the power of the music. The song powers its way to a pulsating climax, and I finish my routine with the splits, to cheers and admiration from those watching.

Yeah it’s that kind of night.

22:55: Don’t feel sorry for RON guys, if he wins we have to go through all of this again and, let’s be honest, nobody wants that. Up next is the Sports Officer election. (Also great name White Hart Kane, COME ON YOU SPURS!)

https://twitter.com/COYSSJ2/status/571442943426469889

22:52: LUKE PILOT is the new Welfare and Campaigns Officer! He’s a popular young man, some of his entourage are screaming themselves hoarse at the news. Calm down guys, it’s only a well paid job and the chance to influence union policy for tens of thousands of students for the next year. Bambi came second, Sam Parr third. “I was bricking it completely”, Luke says after stepping up to the stage. He’s a young Churchill in the making this one.

22:50: Anyway enough jibber jabber. It’s time for another big ‘un now, and there are three candidates running for Welfare and Campaigns Officer. Sam Parr, Luke Pilot and Bambi. But before the results, Cat and Rob are back for some more of their Ant and Dec routine. They’re doing very well in fairness, and one guy in the audience is particularly loving the banter, laughing loudly at everything they say. I think he may be drunk. Or easily pleased. Or both.

22:45: In other news WTV just told me that they wanted to interview me. So I waited patiently for five minutes next to the camera man and then he was told that the bigwigs had changed their mind and didn’t want me anymore. Which is fine, I mean it’s not like I have a massive ego or anything. BUT SERIOUSLY MY TIME IS PRECIOUS AND I’M TRYING TO WRITE A PAXMAN-ESQUE BLOG HERE FOR CHRIST’S SAKE DONT’ THESE PEOPLE KNOW THAT? But it’s fine, I still have my feet on the ground and everything. BUT OH MY GOD I HAVEN’T EVEN RECEIVED MY CAVIARE AND POUND NOTE PIZZA YET WHAT A SHIT NIGHT. But it’s fine, it’s fine.

22:40: Up next will be the results for the Welfare and Campaigns Officer. There’s probably a solid 100 people here now which is a pretty decent turnout, right? Fair enough it’s not quite the forum of ancient Athens or anything like that- Solon doesn’t have to worry about being out-democracied anytime soon- but then those Athenians didn’t have the distraction of a night trying to cop off with their seminar mates at Neon, did they?

22:30: And the winner is… NAT PANDA! A bit of an upset that one, and one of Andrew’s entourage has just lobbed what looks like a sex doll onto the stage in frustration. I’m genuinely not making that up. Meanwhile Nat makes his way to the microphone and it’s hard to begrudge him his success, if only because the banner that he draped from the car park near the Arts Centre was flipping MASSIVE.

22:25: AREN’T WE ALL BRENDA! And the result of the Postgrad Officer vote is impending so if you were excited before, you’ll be beside yourself now. Three candidates for this one, Prisca Wharton, Nat Panda, and incumbent officer Andrew Thompson, who is currently trotting around the place wearing what looks like a cape. Let’s just hope he doesn’t go all Game of Thrones on us if he loses.

22:17: And the winner is Josephine Throup! “It’s one of the closest races this post has ever seen!” Rob announces. The positions are rounded off with LGBTUA+ officer, which is won by Rachel Buckley-Taylor. Omg that was so rapid, I’m going to get a pint.

22:16: The post of women’s officer is to be decided next! Wait a second- women’s officer? Women’s officer? As in, an officer just for women? What a bloody outrage! As a man I am DISGUSTED that I don’t see a men’s officer on the list of positions being filled tonight. Could it possibly be because student union executives are nearly always male-dominated, and that women face far more discrimination and barriers to success than males in both education and the workplace, and in wider society in general? Could it possibly be because years of structural inequality impacts on women far more than men- purely because of the fact they’re women? Could it be for either of those reasons? Could it? Why, yes.

(That’s a roundabout shout-out for the guy who legitimately said the position of women’s officer was superfluous on Facebook earlier this week. The shithead.)

22:15: Emily Dunford takes Undergrad Arts rep, Lokesh Gupta takes Undergraduate Engineering and Experimental Sciences Representative (and they’re going to need a bloody big plaque if they want that title on their door), and Cindy Asokan is the Social Science rep. Meanwhile, the appropriately named Matt Greenham grabs Environment and Ethics Officer (and gets the biggest cheer so far), Nia-Cerise Conteh gets Ethnic Minorities Officer, and Jenny Wheeler retains her position as Disabled Students officer.

22:12: Wow I thought there was going to be a period of saab banter or something but the sly devils have just gone and announced all of the part time officer elections in one big lump. Let’s start picking through them then…

22:11: Rob and Cat are hosting, and they’re looking very smart. Although every time I see Cat now my heart feels like it starts beating just a tiny bit fainter (https://theboar.org/2015/02/26/falling-love-su-president/#.VPEi_Pnkfxw). Part time officer election results first.

22:10: OH MY GOD SOME TENSE MUSIC HAS STARTED PLAYING. This is all like the start of one of the battles in Lord of the Rings, only there’s no orcs running about the place. Sadly.

22:05: I was under the illusion that there was going to be a proper media room tonight, but the Clockwatch ventured upstairs and was promptly told to get lost by stressed RaW/WTV people (possibly because they didn’t want to share their Pizza Hut delivery), so we’ve retreated downstairs into Copper Rooms 1, and we’re currently perched on one of those grimy brown sofas tucked away at the side. I used to work in the Copper Rooms and I’ve seen at least two people vomit on this particular item of furniture (as well as one illicit sexual favour), so it would be great if someone could remind me to dry clean this jacket tomorrow. Ta.

22:00: It’s 10pm, the music is blaring, and the Copper Rooms is going wild. Not quite a Pop! level of wild, but there’s around 50 people miling about and Talking Heads are playing, which is better than the usual Disco Dave shite. To be honest, I don’t know why more election results aren’t announced in nightclubs. Imagine the scene, Paxo on the decks, David Dimbleby popping the twerk in the middle of a packed dance floor, making the eyes at a suave Evan Davis… it would be great. Plus if Cameron went and won again there would at least be the chance someone would pick a fight with him waiting for a kebab on the way home.

21:46: And yes, I know that this should really be called the ‘Big D Clockwatch’, but that sounds a bit dirty and my Mum might be reading this, so the ‘Election Clockwatch’ it is.

21:45: Good evening. Thank you for tuning into the ‘Election Clockwatch’, your one stop shop for impartial, comprehensive coverage of tonight’s big dec- pftttt who are we kidding. The Varsity Clockwatch has been let loose in the Copper Rooms and we’re going to be live blogging our fingers off so that you’re kept in the loop tonight. There’s going to be drama, there’s going to be decisions, and there’s going to be democracy.

On a personal note, this is quite a big moment for the Clockwatch. Before we were the Boar’s Jake Humphrey, concerned only with sport, sport and bloody sport. We were tracksuited and acne ridden and immature. But now, we’ve emerged from the student media cocoon as a beautiful Jeremy Paxman butterfly, bringing you cutting edge political reaction and fancy graphs and statistics and stuff. It’s been quite the journey, and if you’re sad enough we’d be honoured if you stick around. This is already shaping up to be the best Friday night the Copper Rooms has ever seen (mostly because more than 5 people have turned up, Flirt RIP).

Comments

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.