It’s okay not to be okay
My name is Catherine and I suffer from anxiety. That’s already much more than some of my closest friends at home know about me. It feels a very big thing to admit, and so for many years I have kept it quiet; I don’t want people thinking there’s something wrong with me. However, a few recent experiences have changed my mind about keeping up the long silence. I want to speak up for those who are also struggling behind closed doors, and I feel the start of a new life at university is the perfect time to do it.
The problem with having one of these ‘invisible illnesses’ is that you run the risk of being disbelieved, misunderstood, or, worst of all, you’ll have someone tell you to “just think positive”. It’s incredibly frustrating given anxiety is a condition that, according to the Mental Health Foundation, as many as 9.7 percent of the population experience in one manifestation or another. That makes it one of the most prevalent mental health problems affecting the UK population.
The problem with having one of these ‘invisible illnesses’ is that you run the risk of being disbelieved, misunderstood, or, worst of all, you’ll have someone tell you to “just think positive”
I should begin with a disclaimer that my description of anxiety is purely based on my own experience. Anxiety is a condition with many branches; you’ve probably heard of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) and Social Anxiety Disorder to name a couple, but people have different triggers that they respond to in their own way. This is quite possibly the reason why it is so overlooked and why the Mental Health Organisation describes anxiety as “under-reported, under-diagnosed and under-treated”.
We have all been anxious. You know that feeling before a job interview or an important meeting with a tutor? You’re waiting outside the office, palms sweating, heart thudding, you’ve got a dry mouth and a bit of a dodgy stomach. Your body is responding as though you’re about to face a threat, and the adrenaline is surging to make sure you’re alert and prepared to handle what’s coming. Well, the best way to describe anxiety as a condition is that it’s like living every moment of your life in those horrible couple of minutes before the big interview.
The ‘fight or flight’ response is spoken about a lot when explaining anxiety. It’s the idea that your body is gearing you up for something dangerous coming your way, only with anxiety this intimidating obstacle you’re confronting may be talking to someone or walking to the shops. The problem with calling this condition ‘anxiety’ is that it’s already a word used to describe an emotion we all feel from time to time – like just before an interview – and so it can be confused with being slightly worried or nervous.
I have had problems with anxiety since the age of 13. Around 2012, at the age of 20, I was working in an office. I was painfully concerned about what everyone there thought of me and I didn’t want to get under anyone’s feet, so every morning I sat at my desk with my heart pounding, praying I wouldn’t embarrass myself, and dreading that someone would ask me a question. I knew my job well, but my body was gearing me up for something dreadful. I had a heavy weight on my chest. I couldn’t breathe. Talking to my colleagues left me in a state; my cheeks would burn red, I would get so light headed that I would see colours, I became so aware of myself that even walking to the photocopier was something I had to prepare myself for. I felt exposed and apologetic for being there.
I had a heavy weight on my chest. I couldn’t breathe. Talking to my colleagues left me in a state; my cheeks would burn red, I would get so light headed that I would see colours, I became so aware of myself that even walking to the photocopier was something I had to prepare myself for.
Once the working day was over, I would begin my evening ritual of making sure I hadn’t done anything wrong throughout the day. I would sit on my bed into the early hours, systematically running through every conversation I’d had that day. It was a mental list of self torture. I scanned each conversation for two main things: could anything I said have offended the person I was talking to, and did anything I say sound stupid or embarrassing? If I found that something I’d said had the potential to be misconstrued, I’d panic and frantically plan out how to undo the mess the following day. This began a vicious cycle of little to no sleep and locking myself in the staff toilets each morning, slumping to the floor. I was exhausted. But, once I composed myself, I would walk back into the office like nothing was wrong. No one was any the wiser.
Unfortunately, it transpired that my colleagues were not all that nice anyway. I turned to my cognitive behavioural therapist to help me manage my reactions; I needed to believe that I wasn’t the dreadful person I convinced myself I was each time I received a passive aggressive email from a colleague about how they’d noticed I was out a bit longer on my lunch break today, or pointing out minor errors in my work and copying the manager into the email. I forgot to order some sticky labels once and an extensive email came my way explaining the inconvenience I had accidentally caused. I was in pieces.
Anxiety is in many ways a chemical reaction, but the good news is that there are a number of options for people who are struggling to cope. cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) works by delving back into childhood experiences to try to pin down; where the anxious feelings originate from and uses a variety of practical techniques to employ when you face a situation that usually kick-starts your ‘fight or flight’ response. Counselling is also a very popular route to go down, as is group counselling or the use of free online anxiety forums where members offer support and encouragement so you that can take those first steps out of your comfort zone.
Anxiety is in many ways a chemical reaction, but the good news is that there are a number of options for people who are struggling to cope.
I left my job under very difficult circumstances. I needed to take a day of leave to sort myself out and cited sickness as the reason. A few weeks later I explained my difficulties to my boss and management swiftly issued me with a disciplinary meeting. Despite a doctor’s letter confirming my condition, they were determined to see that I pay for not having disclosed my problems with mental health on the day I called in sick.
I suffered in silence because I feared how people would react if I spoke up. Hiding my anxiety meant I was denying myself a happy life but I now see that I didn’t deserve the treatment I received.
Now I’m here at Warwick, at the age of 22, and I was so disappointed to find that my ‘fight or flight’ response kicked in as soon as I arrived on campus. After over a year of getting better and feeling back on top of my life, panic took hold and I was very firm that the only place I could function again was at home.
With the help of Student Support Services, some CBT techniques and a lot of experience with my own anxiety and how I react, I have managed to get myself to a place where I am feeling comfortable again. I may live largely on my anxious energy, but I’m channelling it to make sure I make the most of my time here so I can live the life I want, not the life that my anxiety dictates.
With the help of Student Support Services, some CBT techniques and a lot of experience with my own anxiety and how I react, I have managed to get myself to a place where I am feeling comfortable again.
I sing, I act, I can talk to big groups; people would assume that I’m quite confident. They wouldn’t have any idea what goes on under the surface. It goes to show that this condition can affect anyone, and it’s not uncommon to find that it’s a chatty, sociable person who is trying to keep their head above water.
It’s impossible to make everyone like you, no matter how hard you try, and that’s okay. It’s also okay to say no to someone so you can say yes to yourself. It’s important you do, because you are worth every minute you spend in the pursuit of your own happiness. There’s no shame in admitting you have a problem, it is part of who you are and, if you are getting through each day with the anxiety monster on your back, then I salute you. You are strong. You are brave. It’s okay not to be okay.
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