Dur-dur, dur-dur, don’t get into sharking

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Bethan Price –  ‘There are plenty more fish in the sea’ will turn from a hopeful way of reconciling rejection into a creepy hit list.’

[dropcap]D[/dropcap]ear freshers, even at the intellectual haven of Warwick, there will be those who will excitedly declare that they are in fact not your average guy.

You can be forgiven for mistaking them for one, they look like an average guy, sound like an average guy, even dance like an average guy, but don’t be fooled. These deceptive fellows are actually sharks! Born for sharking, made to shark, you’re probably being sharked right now. Just go home. Seriously. Go.

Afraid? You should be. There is no fin of infidelity that warns of their wicked ways. No ominous cello plays Jaws music as they approach and they have cleverly ensured that the bitches do not flock and betray their cover in public. Thus the mortal peril is imminent and danger lurks around every corner of campus: trust no one. On the other hand, if they look and sound like average guys, how do you know who the real average guys are?

What makes a shark a shark? Or is he only a shark when he’s sharking? Is sharking even a real verb? Could it be that this whole shark infestation, infiltration is utter bollocks and actually – plot twist – it turns out that everyone was just an average guy all along? Who knows, I could be wrong, but it seems to me that rather than Casanovas incognito, what we have ended up with is just a lot of really confused fish.

That said I do not want to diminish the danger of such a metaphor. If people start to believe they are sharks then they will act like sharks, and if people believe they are nothing more than shark bait, then they will act like nothing more than shark bait. ‘There are plenty more fish in the sea’ will turn from a hopeful way of reconciling rejection into a creepy hit list.

Identifying oneself as a ‘shark’ is perhaps appealing because it makes you feel powerful. Flirting is not something that comes naturally to everyone and the risk of rejection is enough to make anyone’s palm start sweating. However, deciding to simply ignore the rejection and stalk, prey upon or shark the audacious rejecter until they have no choice but to stop rejecting you is not really a solution.

Furthermore it is not particularly something to brag about; ‘I like to follow a woman around until she is literally forced to kiss me because it is the only way I will leave her alone!’. Fantastic. What an achievement. You sir, are a top lad. So I urge you, wonderful generation of mine, shrug off your assigned aquatic roles. Go for suave, not sadistic.

Be dangerously seductive rather than dangerous because you pose an acute physical threat. Then lastly, look past the shark, for he’s just an average guy in disguise.

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Nicholas Buxey – ‘Some actually want to learn, and forcing them to have sex can often leave them feeling like this most intimate of acts isn’t to be enjoyed, which it is.’

[dropcap]A[/dropcap]s a Fresher, there’s a lot to take in. Not only are you getting ready for the next stage in your education, but for most students it’s the first time you have unadulterated freedom. No longer subject to the harsh words and critical eyes of parents, many students go wild, and I was no exception.

This rush of freedom is exactly why I deplore the idea of an older student coaxing a fresher into what’s usually a one-night stand, aka “sharking”. I’m not saying sex is bad – go crazy if you want. I did. I just think the idea of an older student specifically seeking ‘fresh meat’ is predatory. It’s hard enough adjusting to university without the added pressure of an older student encouraging you to do something you might not be comfortable with.

You should be spending your first weeks getting to know the people you live and learn with, not fighting off the horny advances of an older student. It sets the wrong precedent for the students who’ve been “sharked.” Shockingly for those among us who are always thinking about it, not everyone goes to university to have as much sex as possible. Some actually want to learn, and forcing them to have sex can often leave them feeling like this most intimate of acts isn’t to be enjoyed, which it is.

It also strips all the fun out of the pursuit – restricting yourself to a year group is so arbitrary that it effectively makes the sex pre-meditated and functional, another notch to shamefully carve into the bedpost. Sex should be fun and crazy (but not too crazy – unless that’s your thing) rather than remembering the time you ended up in bed with someone for “lad points”, why not abandon it and have sex with someone you truly want to.

It also reflects badly on the older students. Freshers rely on the more experienced undergrads to help them find their feet, and if we’ve only got one thing on our mind, then we lose all authority. Don’t you remember how hard it was to be a Fresher?

And if you were sharked, that doesn’t give you any right to shark. Break the cycle and restrain yourself – you’ll feel a lot better in the long run. I’m not saying that there can’t be relationships between the years. But let it happen organically, without the pressure of a weird sex game. And really guys, it’s sad, pathetic and creepy.

You end up looking like someone who deserves a restraining order more than anything. Can you not get any without having to resort to behaviour more suited to a stalker? Go to ‘Smack’ on a Thursday, I’m sure you’ll find someone more than willing.

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Photo: flickr/travelbagltd