Putting the Sex in Homosexual

Daniel Cope expresses his no holds barred view on what it means to be gay.

We love sex. It’s not exactly profound gospel to say that our consumption of sexual commodities such as, the startling eroticism displayed in perfume adverts, is prevalent among 21st century living. Neither is it original for me to say that we are sold a particular type of sex: the sex of heterosexuality. From dating shows to gossip columns you can place a hefty bet as to where the ball of sexuality will land.
In schools sex education also favours heterosexuality. If you couple this education with the media’s sensual sales, it comes as little surprise that heterosexual kids are already in the know before the infamous ‘birds and bees’ talk. Where then, does that leave homosexual young adults? Thoroughly confused and riddled with doubt if my experience is anything to go by.
I’m wary of trying to appear as a voice for the definitive homosexual experience, since there is no such thing. However, I would like to give out some advice that I wish I had been given:

Gay sex is NOT any less healthy than heterosexual sex

This one is pretty obvious but it’s worth noting nonetheless. I don’t want to patronise when I say that contraception is valid no matter what team you are batting for. However, the way something like a condom was sold to me as a young child was something that stopped a girl getting pregnant. Maybe I was a naïve and ignorant child but it took me a while to understand that contraception should be a requirement for safer and healthier gay sex too. So the lesson here is that, provided the relevant safety precautions are observed, welcome to the world of gender fluidity and have fun!

Watch porn…no seriously, watch porn!

Unfortunately, the sexual activities of the LGBT community can often be perceived as alien in the light of every-day ‘reality’. People are aware of it but refuse to acknowledge it. So I say to you if you don’t get the answers from your media, your role models or your peers then go watch porn. The myths and stigmas of sexual attraction should be understood as much as they possibly can before individuals become active themselves. The questions that you’ll be too embarrassed to ask will be explained with um… a practical demonstration. If you can prevent yourself from internalising the misogyny inherent in the porn industry then it will be your best bet for understanding the nitty-gritty details of homosexuality that British sensibility likes to gloss over.

Don’t worry about answering: “who is the ‘boy’/ ‘girl’ in the relationship?”

I’ve asked my boyfriend this very question. He doesn’t like it. “We are both men” he says. He is right. The urge to put a heterosexual label on our relationship is irrelevant; we both like each other for the gender we are. Just because one of us might have qualities that are stereotypically ‘feminine’ or ‘masculine’ does not in fact mean we are the relationship’s equivalent of the ‘girl’ or ‘boy’. A relationship quickly makes you appreciate the pointless attribution of words like ‘butch’ and ‘camp’ as a descriptive of personality.

Just because you meet somebody with the same sexual orientation does not mean you have to ‘do’ anything with each other.

This attitude is far more abundant on campus than you might first believe. “Everybody who is gay seems to know each other!” is an example of observations friends have made to me in the past. They might be being slightly dramatic but it is a fair observation. Societies like Warwick Pride exist so that the LGBT community can network and share common experiences. It isn’t a dating society so it shouldn’t therefore be perceived as some sort of real-life Grindr. It might be tempting to ‘get with somebody’ in a club once you realise you both swing the same way, but ask yourself, is it worth it? If the only common denominators between you both are ‘homosexual’ and ‘fit’ then chances are this hook-up won’t be a very good starting point or secure way of demystifying your own sense of sexual self. Never jump the gun.

If you’re smart then sex should be a bit scary no matter your orientation.

We all have habit of being frightened of things we don’t understand. This is why homophobia and gendered stereotypes like the promiscuous ‘femme fatale’ exist. How does a woman use her sexuality if she doesn’t have a penis? Gay sex can’t really be natural; it can’t possibly work can it? If you want to get all biological determinist then, no, perhaps homosexual sex isn’t ‘natural’ in that way. And yes, that is a little disconcerting if you are gay. But it shouldn’t be treated as an extra problem. Treat it as you would a mathematical equation or complex bits of prose, if you will, treat it as a learning curve. We ALL get nervous initially; we are ALL a bit confused and rubbish, some people are just good at putting on a face and pretending otherwise.