Summer transfer window: a prediction

Nobody knows what is going to happen during the rest of an eventful transfer window. But The Boar‘s Richard Brown has a pretty good idea. Our Manchester City-supporting correspondent peered into his crystal ball, with some remarkable results.

At Stamford Bridge, Jose Mourinho chooses not to sign Wayne Rooney, instead deciding that he doesn’t have enough attacking midfielders in his squad. Christian Eriksen, Marco Reus and Toni Kroos all arrive. Victor Moses, Marco van Ginkel and Kevin de Bruyne set up a clinic to help out unwanted attacking midfielders, with Marko Marin the first player to seek help.

After his rejection, Rooney reaffirms his commitment to Manchester United and vows to have his best season yet. He starts against Wigan Athletic in the Community Shield, misses three penalties and is sent off for headbutting Owen Coyle.

After the match David Moyes suggests that “it wasn’t his best performance in a United shirt.” Stung by his manager’s criticism, Rooney immediately hands in a transfer request and is sent on loan to QPR, where he falls behind Bobby Zamora in the pecking order.

With Rooney temporarily off the wage bill, United’s hunt for a midfielder goes on as Cesc Fabregas, Luka Modric, Yohan Cabaye and Charlie Adam all turn down moves to Old Trafford.

With three hours remaining in the transfer window, David Moyes pays Everton a combined fee of £62m for Marouane Fellaini and the returning prodigal son, Darron Gibson.

Five minutes into his debut, Gibson scores a 40-yard rocket, but immediately reminds United fans of his previous spell at the club by misplacing a series of five-yard passes. He is substituted at half-time. Nobody cares.

Suarez decides that he can’t handle the scrutiny of the English press any more and buys out his contract to join a tribe of cannibals in Uganda. It ends badly for everyone involved

Tottenham manage to keep hold of Gareth Bale and finally sign a striker. As a result, Emmanuel Adebayor finds opportunities limited. Eager to get away from England, where he finds himself despised by several clubs’ fans, he joins Celtic as a replacement for Norwich City-bound Gary Hooper.

After being put on the bench for the first game of the season, Adebayor decides that Neil Lennon isn’t the manager for him and completes a loan switch to Rangers. He is said to be “stunned” by booing during the first Old Firm game of the season.

Mark Hughes is sacked as Stoke City manager after just two games, but promises to return stronger with another Premier League club. Many fans accept that this will probably be the case.

Harry Redknapp is poached from Loftus Road to replace Hughes, unable to resist the lure of working with Peter Crouch for a final time. He completes a remarkable £20m double swoop for Jermain Defoe and Robbie Keane, who professes his love for the club and admits that he supported them as a child.

Over at Anfield, the Luis Suarez saga drags on. When Arsenal’s 10th bid of £40,000,009 fails, Suarez reacts furiously, taking a bite out of Jordan Henderson’s leg in training, earning him a further five-game ban but simultaneously improving Henderson’s footballing abilities.

Suarez eventually forces through a move to Arsenal and enjoys a rich vein of form until the Mirror votes Olivier Giroud, rather than Suarez, ‘the most handsome Arsenal player 2013-14’. Suarez decides that he can’t handle the scrutiny of the English press any more and buys out his contract to join a tribe of cannibals in Uganda. It ends badly for everyone involved.