OED: Old-fashioned English Diatribe

This week, the Definition Department at the Oxford English Dictionary have been working overtime to update the most recent edition of the quintessential guide to the English language. Last-minute changes include the redefinition of the term ‘state funeral’ which, until recently, required a parliamentary vote before it could be granted. A clause has now been added, explaining that the democratic process can be ‘bypassed in special circumstances’. The new definition makes clear that ‘should such circumstances arise…a state funeral can be granted by a Supreme Leader providing the term itself is never used explicitly’.

Meanwhile, Conservative councillor John Cherry led a petition calling for the definition of the word ‘Pakistani’ to include the phrase ‘synonym; workshy’. Mr Cherry was forced to resign after it was announced that he had deviated from the official Party line, in which ‘workshy’ had already been allocated as a synonym for the term ‘welfare claimant’.

Interestingly, ‘welfare claimant’ as a descriptive noun, has fallen into disuse, replaced by the term ‘scrounger’. Many hold The Daily Mail responsible; though the publication is keen to point out that it uses a range of synonyms, such as ‘chav’ or ‘benefit cheat’ to describe this feckless band of financially disadvantaged individuals. Recently, The Mail has played a prominent role in lobbying the Definition Department for the removal of the distinction between ‘immigrant’ ‘asylum seeker’ and ‘common thief’.

The content of several tabloids, including The Mail and The Sun, has led to the definition of the word ‘news’ being expanded to include ‘anything and everything, including that of little or no importance to anyone.’ The Sun has also been particularly vocal in the campaign to have the definition of ‘gender equality’ altered to include, as an example the following sentence. ‘If young women endowed with enormous breasts want to pose topless, they can.’

This week sees the conclusion of a long and protracted case, led by the British public, to change the term theft, previously defined as an action or crime of stealing, to include the clause ‘except when perpetrated by a collection of feral men in suits (collective noun; bankers). In this case, see ‘Bail-out’. A recent campaign to have a photo of Nick Clegg inserted into the printed edition, to illustrate the term ‘spineless earth-worm’ has been rejected, though there are calls to insert a picture of George Osborne to aid children in their understanding of exactly what constitutes a ‘slippery bloodsucking parasite’. This follows a successful public campaign to change the definition of the phrase ‘Olympic legacy’ to a blank space.

Events in Boston have led to a reclassification of the term ‘terrorism’ to the rather more specific ‘an attack on the United States of America by a foreign national, ideally Muslim, though this is not a requisite.’ As Dzhokhar Tsarnaev was formally charged, the Dictionary had to reconsider their definition of a ‘Weapon of Mass Destruction’ eventually deciding upon the following. ‘WMD: Previously thought to be a fictional construct, though reason enough to invade an oil-rich nation in the Middle East. Used to refer to chemical or nuclear weapons, and a range of household items, such as a gas oven, a lampshade or a hoover.’