Camembert, anyone?

I feel I need to begin with a disclaimer: this amateur food critic’s opinion was heavily
swayed by a rather handsome waiter.
I am not usually one of those people who goes to chain restaurants. In fact, I am so
pretentious that I actively ridicule them. However, there are only ten Bistro Pierres in the
country, and, surprisingly, none in London, so I feel like this place doesn’t really count. If
that doesn’t make you forget your unwillingness to give money to The Man, this will: Le
Bistro Pierre have several offers – the best being the Early Bird menu, with two courses
for £13.90 – and students can get 20% off on weekdays, which brings the bill to a very
reasonable price.

Situated deep in the heart of the middle-class-boutique-ville that is north Leamington, it’s
a brilliant place to make your parents take you when they come to visit, or maybe to take a
fourth/fifth date (definitely not the first; it’s a bit look-at-me-I’m-a-food-snob for a first date,
and your eyes would be easily swayed by the aforementioned sexy waiter).

We were greeted by ambient French jazz and our gorgeous waiter. It’s a place with none
of the OTT décor you see at Café Rouge et al. It’s much more understated, of the kind that
you might actually get in Paris; casually French, not that in-your-face ‘WE ARE A FRENCH
RESTAURANT LOOK AT HOW FRENCH WE ARE’ kind of French. There’s only a little bit
of Français on the menu, and it’s the stuff that everyone knows, which alleviates the need
for panicked over-pronunciation and bad French accents (of which there were thankfully
none). It prides itself on its authentic French-ness, with freshly made provincial dishes,
individually sourced produce, and daily specials which change depending on the season.

It has one of those Masterchef-esque menus where words like “polenta”, “frangipane”
and “confit” are thrown around like the house salad. There is a hearty selection of burgers
and steaks, and interestingly, they have a very generous gluten free menu as well as a
passable selection of veggie dishes, for the more moral eaters. There is an exceptional
array of French cheeses if you’re a bit of a cheeseophile, and they have a baked
camembert entrée which is pretty much the best idea for a starter in the whole world.

There is a comprehensive wine list, from which we chose the delightfully overpriced house
white. This is the kind of place which invites you to swill and taste it beforehand, perfect for
when you want to pretend to be the kind of person who knows stuff about wine. They even
suggest wines to go with particular dishes on the menu; it’s THAT kind of place.

The best thing by far (it even beats the attractive waiter), is the free bread. Yes, FREE
BREAD! And when you finish one basket, they’ll bring you another! It’s fresh and warm
and comes with real butter and it’s all I really want in life, apart from the main course. The
food arrives on large, beautifully arranged plates with sauces drizzled artistically on top
and you feel much more indulgent than the price leads you to believe. The vegetarian
quiche was a delight. They do something indescribable to potatoes which makes them
taste like nothing short of paradise on a plate. It’s something akin to dauphinoise potatoes and arrives, sizzling, in a mini-saucepan. They have the best fries this side of Vialli’s,
served in one of those little tin bowls to make them look classy and rustic.

I left with the kind of satisfied fullness where you don’t feel bloated or slightly concerned
about your meal repeating on you, you just feel thoroughly comfortable, after undoing
the top button of my high-waited shorts. In fact, I don’t think I need to eat ever again – I’m
done. Forever.