Oxford-Cambridge Boat Disgrace

It is almost exactly a year since one of the most heinous displays of sabotage ever took place on these shores. An event so upsetting that it has simply become known as 7/4. I am of course referring to the 158th Boat Race.

Everything was going so smoothly. The build up to the event was massive, the TV advertisements, so epic, that they shook the soul to the very fibres of existence. People in the streets and on the buses all had the same question on their lips: Oxford or Cambridge?

When that fateful Sunday finally came around, the atmosphere was electric. The anticipation in the air was palpable. Crowds lined the Thames to cheer on the rosy cheeked rowers of whom they knew very little about. All they knew is that they study at those bastions of education: “Oxbridge”.

Such resonance that portmanteau has, as it drops off the tongue into the conversations of mollified parents at dinner parties the world over.

As the crews set off from the banks of the river, the dim spring sunshine scattered across the water. The wooden hull skimming across the calm watercourse; as they approached the start no one could have anticipated the grim fate that was awaiting them.

Little did they know that someone was skulking up river. Crouched in the undergrowth of the banks, a man waited for his moment. A renegade going by the name of Trenton Oldfield, although Judas Iscariot would also be appropriate.

A pistol was shot. Shrieks could be heard from all directions as flesh, boat and water churned up the current of the Thames. The race had begun

As the contest kicked off, Mr Oldfield took his chance and plunged into the murky depths of Thames. As he looked East, he could see the brooding bows of the vessels. He swam towards them, knowing all too well the damage he was about to cause.

Families across the nation sat around their television sets, looking on at these Adonis’ on screen: zoomed in shots of bulging muscles, sweaty brows and the steam of perspiration filled the screen.

How jolly it is that the ordinary family can now watch these great institutions battle it out on London water, as they sit there on their hire purchase three piece suites. Years ago they wouldn’t even have known this was going on. Social mobility, I think they call it.

I can only imagine a startled child, in some housing complex, turn to her father and saying: “Daddy, why is that man swimming in the way of the boats?”

The startled BBC presenters attempted to comfort the nation as these tragic scenes unfolded, but there was only so much Clare Balding could do. Oldfield was now in front of the crews and the boats came juddering to a halt.

He had won. The Oxford Cambridge Boat Race had been interrupted.

Onlookers jeered as Oldfield was beckoned out of the water by Police and led away into a Police van. After heated discussions, the race organisers decided they would not give in to terrorism and they decided to restart the race. Cambridge went on to win, but it just wasn’t the same.

Did Trenton Oldfield not have an ounce of respect for great varsity race? It later emerged that he swam in front of the race to try and raise questions about inequality. What about equality for the rowers, what about their right to a boat race without interruption?

The Boat Race is for everyone, it is a gift to the nation. They should appreciate this opportunity to witness these great institutions compete, not bemoan the fact that they had not the chance to go to a university like Oxford or Cambridge.

After a thorough risk assessment, it has been decided that the race will go ahead this year, however the only way to ensure that the rowers get to the end of the race is to draft in the Royal Marines. It is sad that it has to come to drafting in the armed forces to protect your inter-university race, but these are the turbulent times in which we live.

To anyone who would consider disrespecting this ancient institution, I have this advice. The Boat Race represents the symbolic role Oxbridge has in the national psyche. If you don’t like it then go to France. When watching the Boat Race, know your place.