Time to pucker up, Warwick

I am loathe to trust any chart that calls people you neck on a night out ‘partners’. It is the sort of word that people would use if they went to a university with an average of say, 1.65 partners since September of this year. “What university would have such a small range?”, I hear you cry out! Did Enid Blyton invent them?

No, fellow Boar readers. It was none other than Warwick according to StudentBeans.com, who say their speciality is alternative charts but who seem to be minoring in ‘making Warwick sound like a convent’. These are the people who dare to use the word partners. Not cool, StudentBeans, not cool.

Now let’s be honest, we are only talking about three and a half months. We must also consider that at Warwick we don’t even START until 1 October. However, I still want to say that I am fully aware that 1.65 is not an average for most and most importantly, is hardly mine. I made it a point to make freshers aware as soon as the first pub crawls of the year happened that I was a valid candidate for all their first-year crushes.

This is not a brag. This is a fact. A few smooches on a night out is just a night out, surely? Not every single time of course (Lord knows I know how it feels when it’s only Spicy Bites getting near your lips) and it is hardly an MO… Well, not always, anyway. I have beaten this average and I am very, very bad at flirting. Like very bad. So I am not exactly Don Juan saying this, just your average beknitted arts student.

I am of course speaking as a single person. Plus as a bisexual person, which means I can have the meat and vegetarian options. Perhaps our university is actually just a very high achiever at forming monogamous relationships; in which case surely we should all open a bottle of champagne (preferably over our nearest PDAing couple) and do a little dance. Though last time both of those things happened half the people I was with also broke the university average.

I highly doubt that we can just blame relationships on this. Surely every university finds people pairing off at a similar rate, and also we have so many bloody students (if trying to get on the U1 past 4pm is anything to go by, which it is) that we should be able to mack out on a night at Nana’s Palace with an above average number just by sheer process of elimination.

Maybe, then, we should be asking who StudentBeans are themselves are asking? Canley? Because I don’t think anyone in Leamington was available to create these statistics (I sure as hell wasn’t, and I’m a hoot.) I was probably too busy washing the scent of sambucca and shame out of our clothes.

However, if the statistics are accurate, Boar readers, it’s cool, I get you. Don’t worry, we’ve all had dry spells. After all, we have about a month less of term time than most other universities so that removes a good 1.2 from the average just for lack of time, surely?

Or maybe we should be looking at this instead as a moment of pride. Well done Warwick, perhaps we are the most monogamous and sensible of universities (87 percent of those questioned said they have never cheated, which is a ray of hope), which surely cannot be a terrible thing. But according to the stats it is a 50/50 split between single and ready to mingle and relationships/alternate facebook statuses (the 1 percent who answered ‘I don’t know’ really need to start learning the value of communication).

What seems to be the case, however, is that we as a university need to learn how to make our ten weeks matter if we want to have some salacious gossip to tell the grandkids – which we may not ever have, if StudentBeans has anything to say about our behaviour as some sort of Russell group convent.

Only 25 percent of those asked were in first year, which is a prime stewing pot of sexual activity; you put people of a certain age into a certain place with their only option of escape being Coventry and what do you expect?

But what of those other 75 percent, who let us presume are probably heavily Leamington based? The world of Leam may seem far scarier to the nineteen year old who’s never experienced (and I use the word loosely) cosmopolitan life before. What of they who need a helping hand?

The most important thing to remember, I think, is that just because we have a low number does not mean we should be attempting to shoot out so far in the lead we cannot see the competition; nobody wants to be the promiscuous university that all the others talk about on Facebook chat.

What we need, instead, is just a general confidence boost and an acceptance that a cheeky neck in the smoking area is nothing short of vital for the university experience. A kiss, as somebody once said, is not a contract, nor is it a label.

Kissing people at university does not make you a hussy or a manwhore, it makes you young. And guess what? There are probably a lot of other people bumping and grinding against you in Smack who would quite like to meet somebody nice on a night out to play tongue-dentist with.

You don’t need to be a creep, you certainly don’t need to push yourself on anybody (guys and girls – we all know a few) all you need to do is strike up a conversation. Maybe both catch eyes and laugh at the horribly drunk person who thinks every song requires you to throw shapes Gangnam style.

Maybe talk to somebody at the bar if the music will let you. Don’t feel the need to be predatory. Being nice with a backbone is a combination that can be done. Feel free to make the first move if it seems right. People aren’t going to consider you louche and report you to the town elders.