Student Soapbox: Fear and loathing in Las Warwick
**In the early hours of the morning, Lionel Tift, vice-chancellor of local rival, Warwickshire University, was found lying down trying to make snow angels in snow that had melted a few days prior, with pupils that can only be described as being the size of moons. The Chancellor would later blame these on a spot too much purple.**
Warwickshire University security team were alerted to his absence when he did not attend one of his daily wine-and-dine meetings, luckily recovering him less than 24 hours later surrounded by rabbits and squirrels who he complained had grown Warwickshire student faces and were guilt -tripping him.
A wrecked Mercedes-Benz that a local dealer had reported missing the day before, was found nearby half submerged in a campus pond; luckily it was apparent that no one had been hurt, although a few ducks were left looking disgruntled.
While still in a stupor, although he would later soberly and vehemently deny he had said anything of the sort, Tift insisted that he was sick of all the negative press he had been receiving about his recent pay rise and wanted to remove the source of the problem by spending it all in one night. He had apparently been going on a savage journey to the centre of the Warwick dream via bat country, but had got somewhat lost along the way.
Through a series of unreliable witnesses in the form of drunken students, Tift could be traced to several establishments in and around the Leamington area. He was first spotted disguised as a nun in a circling party in the Student’s Union, buying peeved £9000 tuition fee paying students pints of Strongbow to repay them.
Tift then travelled into Leamington in the Benz picking up a Warwickshire student along the way who was attempting to hitchhike as far he could to raise money for charity, and then driving him in the wrong direction for miles until he was forced to barrel roll out of the car in Kenilworth. The last stop of the night was Evolve, where onlookers marveled at Tift gyrating against their infamous poles before being dragged away into the night for taste and decency’s sake.
Security are still on the lookout for a 300-pound Samoan wandering around the campus who Tift said was responsible for his irregular behavior but had escaped from the crash. The Mercedes was searched to no avail, and as far no such man has been found. Tift gave a statement warning students to be careful in case this man resurfaced as a bad influence on any innocent passerby, as he did not want them to go through what he had: an almighty hangover.
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