Looking for Mr. Write

**Flicking through the pages of the latest novel you’re reading, barely being able to contain the embarrassingly audible swoons that keep escaping your lips. Ignoring texts from real-life potential suitors to focus on a new love. We’ve all been there… if only our one true love existed outside of the paperback.**

From classic novels to the more risqué kind, many-a-reader has thrown a book down and proclaimed to the nearest person that will listen just how much they love the leading male. I am no different. When I’m truly engrossed in a book, phrases such as ‘I’d love to date him’ or ‘If only I could find a guy like him’ can often be heard from an 8-mile radius.

I do however wonder if the relationships we all crave would actually work out. Would we get so angry with Frodo for carrying a bloody ring (that isn’t even ours) across the world when Tiffany’s deliver directly to the door? Would we still love him even after he’s ignored all our subtle propose-to-me-signs because he’s too busy playing with some whore named Precious?

With thought-provoking questions like those floating around my mind, I’ve decided to fictionally date some of the most sought after paper heartthrobs out there and find out once and for all:

**Dorian Gray (_The Picture of Dorian Gray_ – Oscar Wilde)**

It’s been a few months now and though I must admit I love how the bitches go ‘cray’ for him, truth be told I’m getting a bit weirded out. I’ve checked all the drawers in his bathroom and he doesn’t own one anti-aging wrinkle cream, how does he stay so young?

He keeps wandering off in the dead of the night and won’t tell me where he’s going. I have a sneaky suspicion he’s converted the attic into a 2nd master bedroom but is too polite to tell me he prefers sleeping alone. Well at least I hope he’s sleeping alone and not with that lecherous man, the one who’s always covered in paint, oh, you know who I mean, the one with the name like a seasoning?

Sadly, I don’t really see us lasting much longer. He pays more attention to himself than he does me. God forbid we see a reflective surface on a day out, he stares at it like he’s expecting to see his reflection change or something! Spooky.

The only thing that keeps me around is his obvious youth, huge mansion and love of all things luxurious. I’ll always be grateful for what he’s taught me, for a guy with no sign of stress lines he sure does know a lot. I’m not worried about the break-up though, he did mention almost getting shot by a sailor the other night so I’m sure he has bigger concerns.

**Count Dracula (_Dracula_ – Bram Stoker)**

I always thought dating an older man would be quite cool. Educational even.

At first our connection was supernatural I was positively on edge anytime he was near. I didn’t even mind the frequency at which he liked to bite my neck but if I’m being honest, it’s slightly weird when I you wake up to find your boyfriend’s lips attached to your neck! Also, I’m pretty sure last night he drew blood and that is not okay!

He also refused to eat any of my food, something about too much garlic. I just don’t know.

**Henry (_The Time Traveller’s Wife_ – Audrey Niffenegger)**

He claims he can’t control it but it does get awfully coincidental when he’s suddenly off time-travelling every time we get into an argument. He also says he knew me as a child but he doesn’t look a day over 23 though… bizarre!

I wonder how many girls he’s used that nugget on?

**Edward Cullen (_Twilight_ – Stephenie Meyer)**

I’m not really sure how this works. He says he’d prefer if we waited till marriage and normally I’d be all for it but I’m pretty sure it only works when all the blood flows to one part of the body. Logistically, I can’t quite see how he’d manage to get it… up, but I guess he does sparkle so that’s always nice.

It seems like I spend all my time with Edward. It can get a little claustrophobic, for instance the other day he dropped me home after a date and before I could climb the stairs I heard my bedroom window creak. The guy (if I can call him that) was already there. Don’t get me wrong, he saves me a lot on electricity bills in the summer, he’s my own personal ice cube. I’d just like some _me_ time.

It used to be all fun and games, but lately he’s so obsessed with the friendship I have with my best friend Marc (Jacobs, see what I did there?) I wouldn’t be surprised if he bought a king-sized bed and put it in his room just so he could kidnap me.

Guess I’m with him for life though, he likes to whisper words like ‘forever’ when he thinks I’m asleep.

**Christian Grey (_50 Shades of Grey_ – E.L. James)**

Ouch!