Back to Grey

‘We’re so getting this book!’ my friend said, holding a half-priced copy of Fifty Shades of Grey in Waterstones. The fact that the price had gone from £8 to £4 was just another indication that we were right: we were the only two people in the world who still had not read that book.

To be honest, after reading article after article about how well it had sold, I too wanted to find out what all the fuss was about. And that’s why I went to the cash register and, trying to forget about the fact that I could have bought two books by Jane Austen for the same price, I got the damn thing.

As a Literature student and a feminist, I expected Fifty Shades of Grey to go against every single thing I cherish and believe in. I could not have been more right.

One of the most widely read and talked about books of 2012.

You have probably heard one too many times that the writing is ridiculously bad. For me, the humour was even worse, as I am still recovering from reading the line ‘Is there a store you go to? Submissives ‘R’ Us?’ However, I soon found out that, in order to dislike this book, you do not need to be a Literature lover. You just have to be a person with a little bit of common sense.

First of all, while I was reading it, I felt like I was being played the whole time. In fact, several attempts are made in order to make the reader believe that Ana is a more interesting person than she seems to be, at first. In the contract Christian wants her to sign – yes, there is a contract – it is stated that she must exercise for 4 hours every week. She gets it down to 3 and suddenly he’s offering her a job because she’s a ‘good negotiator.’ She asks to drive her own car to the date and, apparently, that is considered a ‘defiance.’ And, most important of all, Christian describes her as being ‘the most beautiful, intelligent, witty and brave woman’ he has ever met. Why did he say she was brave, you may ask? Because she had just let him spank her. (No, I’m not joking.) And how can he tell she is intelligent when all they do besides having sex is talk about having sex? No idea.

Furthermore, there is one thing that just has to be said: this book is completely unrealistic. I can only imagine that one of the reasons why it sold so well is that Christian is portrayed as the supposed-to-be perfect lover that all women want. However, I’m sorry, but there is just NO way that you can have 3 orgasms when you lose your virginity, like Ana does. It’s just not possible. Look it up.

Actually, the relationship between Ana and Christian can be described as nothing but dreadful, as can be seen by the following quote: ‘Is this what our relationship will be like? You ordering me around?’ to which Christian bluntly answers ‘Yes.’ To anyone who reads the contract, this becomes painfully clear. Any woman who does not live in the fourteenth century, in her mind, will find herself groaning at this: ‘The Dominant (aka Christian) may use the Submissive’s (aka Ana’s) body at any time…in any manner he deems fit, sexually or otherwise’. And this: ‘The Submissive shall not look directly into the eyes of the Dominant except when specifically instructed to do so.’ But wait, it gets even better: ‘The Dominant reserves the right to dismiss the submissive from his service at any time and for any reason,’ whereas the Submissive, according to the contract, will only be released from her ‘obligations’ in case the Dominant does not respect the ‘safety procedures’ and actually puts her well-being, health and even security at risk.

When Ana describes her relationship, she puts it in the following terms: ‘Christian’s idea of a relationship is more like a job offer. It has set hours, a job description, and a rather harsh grievance procedure.’ There are also several moments throughout the book in which Ana says she feels like a prostitute, but she’s so ‘intelligent’ that she never seems to understand that she’s pretty much being hired as a hooker, although the contract puts it very plainly.

And I still haven’t mentioned the quote that I hate the most in the whole book, which is something that Christian says to Ana, when he’s trying to get her to sign the contract: ‘If you were my sub, you wouldn’t have to think about this. It would be easy. All those decisions – all the wearing thought process behind them…You wouldn’t have to worry about any of that.’ Yes, because we all know that thinking does not come easy to women, so the right thing to do would be to just let men do that for us. Christian’s ideas could easily be same as those of Henry VIII, for all I know.

In the end, Ana proves that she’s even more of an idiot than I thought her to be and asks Christian to show her how ‘bad’ their sadomasochistic relationship can get. Christian is only too glad to do it, and let’s just say that the description includes the expression ‘blistering pain’ and that Ana basically ends up crying and calling him ‘one fucked-up son of a bitch.’ It took her more than 500 pages to understand that, but she finally got it.

In the last page, right after she’s left him, Ana is already starting to question her decision. I can tell where this is going and I know that there are two more books of the saga in the nearest Waterstones, capable of putting me through hell, just like this one did. I’m not even going to bother. Christian already made me lose enough faith in men, and I honestly couldn’t care less about what happens to Ana. If you ask me, she has been too much of a masochist for too long. And so have I.