If only I’d known…

**_“Baby, it’s cold outside.”_
Frank Loesser sang that and he has a point: it’s actually been quite cold lately. **

The leaves have fallen off the trees and our campus officially looks like it’s waiting for the Berlin wall to fall. So let’s get pensive, stick on our worst Christmas jumpers, sit down by the fireside (I wish), sip some mulled wine and discuss what we’ve all learned from the first term of the most expensive party of our lives!

Falling out of Tesco trollies into the middle of the road was designed as a way of reminding us that it can only go up from here. Rubbing your erection on someone you don’t know in a club is apparently the new way of saying hello in this modern chivalric age. No matter how hard you try to fight it – you will end up doing the Gangnam Style dance at some point during Fresher’s week.

Fresher’s flu will spread like the bubonic plague and a lot of people will act like they actually have the plague. In lecture halls people wait for other people to cough because they believe there is safety in numbers. You will catch an STI. Just kidding! You’re sure to avoid your bank statements like they’re going to give you an STI though.

A new word needs to be invented that sums up the mixture of pride and shame you feel about how you’ve never consumed this much alcohol before in your life – ‘shide’.

If you’re Welsh, you will be asked whether you have supermarkets in Wales, which is a ridiculous question because in between going down the mine and herding my flock I have no time to go shopping.

Middle English translation makes you want to die.

When you walk into Kelsey’s for the first time you will see a man casually chunder as he walks past you, and no matter how much you complain about Kelsey’s, you will always end up there on a night out in Leamington (preferably at the start).

In between essays, awfully good reality television shows will become your life. If you don’t live in Bluebell, and your ‘friends’ from home are not in a state to make the shared toilets, they will urinate in your sink. The cold water here looks like it has sea monkeys floating in it; the hot water will feel like a cheese grater rubbing against your face if you try to shower in it.

Taxi drivers charge you £30, foolishly assuming because you’re drunk you won’t take down their number plate as they speed off.

Lastly – a man dressed as a monkey, badly lap dancing a guy who is enjoying it a bit too much in the middle of a lecture hall, is not a turn on.