Jesus Christ! Not another talent show?

Andrew Lloyd-Webber is searching for Jesus! No, the good Lord hasn’t found religion, instead he’s turned to the now time-honoured tradition of using reality TV to find The Next Big Thing. In this case, the next person to play Jesus in an arena tour of Jesus Christ Superstar, opposite Melanie C as Mary Magdalene. You know, the ex-Spice Girl?

I will point out I like JCS. I’m a huge fan of the movie version and can sing most of the songs from memory. So I’m not watching the show with the same view as people (maybe a decent portion of the UK) who aren’t quite sure what the role entails, which is tenderness, anger, angst, rock and passion. Oh, and acting.

A word on the format: The whole series is happening over a week, supposedly to prove the ‘Jesuses’ are up to performing day after day. The first show was on Sunday, followed by an elimination on Monday and the remaining auditionees cum contestants, singing again straight after. The next elimination was at the start of Tuesday’s show, and so on. This is probably to stop ‘the buzz’ from dying down as people get bored, but it will also be a good test of the singers.

Now for the other reasons for my cynicism. Firstly, ALW’s earlier casting shows (for Oliver, The Sound of Music, Joseph and The Wizard of Oz) were on the BBC, and he’s been relegated to ITV. Hopefully the Beeb has finally twigged Reality TV, even with a Lord at the helm, aren’t the high quality programming the channel attempts to put out. Really, they should have realised that after the latest Apprentice series.

Secondly, last time I checked, JCS was a musical. Which begs the question, why they are singing modern day pop songs. The first elimination gave a spark of hope when they sang ‘Memory’ from Cats, except the second one was Christina Aguilera‘s ‘Hurt’. As mentioned earlier, most of Britain – and therefore Superstar’s audience – won’t be musical fans, so they rope ‘em in with pop songs and rake in the (very expensive) ticket sales for a show which probably isn’t to their taste at all.

Thirdly, the judges . ALW admittedly deserves to be on the panel, given he composed the musical. And he has some good insights like ‘You need to show vulnerability’ before ruining them with the bad ones such as the deciphering of David Guetta ‘s ‘Titanium’ as an ode to golf clubs and of course, the coining of the term ‘Arenability’ to name a few. He is the only one who seems to be taking these auditions seriously; at the end of every live show so far he reiterates the point of all this is to cast Jesus and please don’t pick their favourite, but to choose someone who can play the role. Followed immediately by Amanda Holden, relegated to host, emphatically telling people to phone and vote for their favourite, to save their favourite and asking the viewer who their favourite was.

Then we have Mel C, the leading lady, who, regardless of her dress sense does at least try and give some commentary and constructive criticism, after all, she has to play opposite the winner. Next, ex- pop singer Jason Donovan, who believes his roles in a few musicals, entitles him to preside over the panel with an ‘honesty’ which lacks any real value or integrity, and in many cases knowledge. Even I can tell Jason’s ‘a little pitchy’ should actually be ‘you were off key the whole song’. Finally, Dawn French, a comic and actor who’s sole credential appears to be her role in the Vicar of Dibley. Her comments consist of professing love: ‘You are just runny honey, aren’t you?’, offering to buy a house for the loser, and generally being comic. French is, however, an actor, and Jesus is also an acting role, so maybe if the show decides to test that she’ll shine. Until then I reserve judgement on her inclusion. All the judges seem to give some contestants constant criticism when others are universally praised and one has to wonder if they’re trying to sway the votes towards their own favourites.

Finally, I can’t avoid mentioning the cheese factor. Safe contestants go up the ‘Stairway to Heaven’, while the evicted ‘go into the light’. The script is poor to say the least and seems to attempt to fill a cliché quota, with one potential Jesus being nicknamed ‘Baby Jesus’ and ALW stating he’d ‘come out of the manger’ after his latest performance. Sadly the idea bantered around on Twitter of having the losing contestant flogged or crucified hasn’t yet been picked up by the producers. Singing ‘Jesus Christ’ to the evictee as they leave is also rather ironic and somewhat cruel.

I’ve not mentioned the contestants much, and that is because they are, generally, similar to run-of-the-mill X Factor wannabes. They all own at least half decent voices, all really, really, really want to win and it’s all very ‘tough’ for them. I have my favourites, while some I don’t think can do the part justice, and some who can’t sing pop well – but may be able to perform in musicals, and visa versa . ALW has pointed out no one knows what Jesus looked like, however skinhead and short hair is unlikely to be the ideal appearance, even if they are attractive men to the modern public.

ALW’s determination to find the right Jesus is to be admired, although one could point out a Reality TV show determined by the public is possibly not the right format to do so and the current situations of most musical contest winners, including the ones he’s cast. Though maybe the best part is it will all be over in a week and the good Lord can then take a well deserved rest. And not resurrect this idea ever again on pain of crucifixion.