Warwick: Why you no sex?

What’s up, Warwick? Not feeling filled with frisk? Not tingling with testosterone? No hurricanes of horniness positively swept you off your feet? It would appear not. Because, true to its geography, the University of Warwick has landed a mid spot in the Student Beans Annual Sex Survey 2012.

We’re not the City of London, we do actually have sex, but we’re hardly the bonk-busters of the year. Truth is, we came in at 83rd. Yep, 82 universities are having more sex than us. Admittedly, we’re so average that about 11 universities are having (give or take) the same amount of sex as us, but that still leaves a good 70 or so who will have a lot more Never Have I Ever stamina than you when you go home for holidays.

Now, I may be an English student, but even I know 83 is not the mid-point of the 101 universities surveyed. The reason I said we’re at a middle point is because, to be quite honest, having 2.6 partners, on average, each, since coming to University, does have its merits. All in all, the number 2.6 is quite… nice. It’s the kind of number your mother would approve of. The kind of number you can round up to 3 and claim exquisite and perfectly selective taste. However, 2.6 as an average does still feel a little, well, tentative.

But, never fear: you are not alone. In fact, libidos are lagging across the UK in 2012, with the winner of the prestigious most sex in the UK prize going to Bangor University, for a meagre 8.31 bungabunga buddies per student. Come on Bangor! What are you playing at? If you’re going to take this glorious, willy-shaped gong (it was willy-shaped in your head too, admit it) off of the rest of the country you could at least do it properly. Last year’s winners, the University of Glamorgan, topped the league with a whopping 10.9 partners, on average, each. That’s 2.59 fun lovers more than you, Bangor. Even 2011’s second place, the sexually intrepid University of Wales Institute Cardiff, managed a decent 10.6 each, only losing out on that third of a partner because they were busy writing their ridiculously long names out on forms, while Bangor swept in ahead, not even stopping their relentless shagging to explain that they weren’t Thai. Second place for 2012, on the other hand, went to Heriott-Watt University, with a measly 5.8 partners.

“Whatever it is, we should be proud of our 2.6 sexual partners each”

What is going on in this country that means the great Casanovas of UK universities have misplaced 4.8 partners somewhere between Skool Dayz and Rootes? Come over to the dark side (quite literally) and the clue might reveal itself, as sister Student Beans survey ‘How kinky are students?’ explores ‘the darker side of student sex’ with all the usual naughty extra ‘kinky’ promises.

Because, whilst we’re having what some less-expertly-mathematical reports might call about half the amount of sexual partners as last year, we’re doing them in a good many more ways. Nearly half of us have tried spanking, while over 1 in 10 of us (go on, do that thing where you look around at nine other people and try to work out who it is, you know you want to) have had a threesome, and almost a third have had anal sex. Over a third have used handcuffs, almost a third have been doing it in public places, nearly half have used vibrators during sex and a quarter of you have done it in a housemate’s bed. Blimey, you have been busy. Talk about procrastination.

Perhaps the rise in kinkiness and the decline in sexual partners just means that Warwick students are having lots of sex, but with only one kinky other half. Spankers have found someone who hits their spot, couples have found their third wheel, and keys to handcuffs have been lost. Whatever it is, we should be proud of our 2.6 sexual partners each. You may have had none, and your flatmate 24, but own that 2.6. You all helped to contribute to that wonderful, mother-friendly, looks-quite-good-on-your-CV 2.6. Try to judge us, City of London, as we pity you for your widespread virginity. Try to judge us, BANGor, as we whip up excellent puns based on your strange, exotic name.

Let the rest of the UK know that we, the University of Warwick, are noble dark horses between the sheets. Look around at those nine other people in your seminar and guess which one’s had the threesome. Try to find out the story as to why one of those sexual partners only got counted as a 0.6. And, whatever you do, don’t bet a single penny on where you think Essex came….