An alternative guide to ‘sorry’

Dear all,

My three years at university have represented the steepest learning curve imaginable. I would like to take this opportunity to make a few apologies, confining these any past mis-demeanours to my bank of ‘life experiences’ (where they can hopefully be forgotten).

“Apologies to all the second and third years I spoke to in Costies during the first two weeks of first year. I thought this was the done thing.”

“Apologies to the staff of the Copper Rooms. I was sick on the floor.”

“Apologies to my first-year flatmates. It was I who stole your milk. To the vegan who took the label off your soy milk: fuck you.”

“Apologies to the staff at the Library café. I was not cursing you under my breath. In actual fact, I was calculating the sacrifices required to keep myself nourished during exam period. I can now only have one child. The second of twins will be put up for adoption.”

“Apologies to the staff at Smack. I was sick on the floor.”

“Apologies to employers who came onto campus, but you need to rethink your recruitment strategy. I have jelly beans, pens, frisbees, mugs and playing cards equivalent in value to four years of employment at your firm.”

“Apologies to the cleaner who walked in on me naked one time. However, I neither apologise nor condone the subsequent 11 times.”

“Apologies to Barry, the AV1 warden. The silly string covering your door wasn’t really designed to catch a giant fly and there’s nothing wrong with being ginger.”

“Apologies to anyone in a lecture who I may have distracted. Except the guy who prolongs every lecture by about 30 minutes through asking questions. You, my friend, are a disease to society.”

“Apologies to anyone in my general vicinity during exam term. A diet of energy drinks and ready meals is not conducive to a healthy digestive tract.”

“Apologies to the Leamington locals. My superiority complex is unjustified (superiority means better than).”

“Apologies to the owners of Koko’s. I haven’t been sick there, I just pity your lack of taste and ambition.”

“Apologies to any girl I have ever tried it on with. I am not actually obsessed with polar bears, my friend told me to do it.”

“Finally, apologies to my liver. And to my colon. And to my bank manager. And to my parents. And, last but definitely not least, apologies to my dignity.”

Once again, I’d like to apologise to all the people I have offended. These three years have been full to the brim with mistakes, but I have no regrets whatsoever. They have been three years that I couldn’t be sadder to see come to an end. The best three years of my life. The End.