Oh, so you want to make it big in hip hop?

So you want to be the next big male artist in hip-hop and R&B? Well, listen up and listen well. This is your indispensable guide for starring in your very own music video, because it’s more than talking the talk: you’ve also got to walk the walk.

First of all, money. Regardless of whether your funds are tied up in business ventures or the snow leopard you’re currently importing, you need to show that you’ve got copious amounts of money.

Having a table filled with money is one way – it shows you’re not going to save it for a rainy day. Or, for the more conspicuous demonstration of your wealth, throw it above your head and stand under it like a shower.

Health and safety regulations make it necessary for me to point out that this should only be conducted with paper money as coins could hurt, and besides, hailstones of money are not as aesthetically pleasing.

To demonstrate your wealth further, make sure you have the newest, least practical car in the video. A Mini Cooper, whilst useful and legal to drive on the road, is not going to show that you are a rich ‘gangster’. Instead, search for a more exotic Lamborghini or Ferrari, but be aware that you are unlikely to find these cars on Auto Trader.

You don’t need to be able to drive the car, but with a good green screen you can pretend you’re the real deal. And remember, nothing looks better in a flash car than money spilling out of the glove box and the seats filled with drunken party-goers.

Now, a bit of product placement wouldn’t go amiss. Some easy examples are mobile phones and Apple computers. To be the flashiest at the party, parade your item like it is God’s gift to humanity. Make sure the camera gets a good shot of it, because the audience is only interested in seeing your mobile phone.

Another way to make money from sponsorship is to have an agreement with an alcohol company. In doing so, you can create the impression of a wild party in your video by pouring said alcohol around like it’s from a never-ending bottle.

Don’t worry about the effect it might have on children watching and the possible glorification of alcoholism, that’s not your problem, and parents can’t blame you for enjoying yourself, can they?

The most important part of your video is to have a large supply of attractive women around you at all times. Like the alpha male of the lion pride, your duty is to make it look like these women belong to you and are in your possession rather than hired adult entertainers. At no point in your video should they be fully clothed.

If possible, make them perform sexually suggestive gestures and movements because you’re paying them to be a sex object, and dignity and self-respect don’t sell.

Instead, suggest that you would like to engage in sexual intercourse with these women: this will make you look extremely cool and the entire nation will be jealous of you and your harem.

Best of luck with your career. If you follow these simple steps, then one day you will appear on the small-screen, knee-deep in wasted alcohol, surrounded by drunken women in your flash impractical car: this is when you’ll know that you’ve made it.