How to beat jealousy and gain confidence

Jealousy is a complex emotion, often overpowering and taking control of people’s lives. It’s been documented throughout humankind’s history from the tales of David, the second king of Israel, to the Greek goddess Hera, Zeus’s wife.

When discussing jealousy, psychologists tend to classify it in two ways: rival jealousy and envy jealousy. Rival jealousy is a fear of possible rivals – especially if you are in a relationship and fear that your partner might be attracted to someone else, may be disloyal to you and as a result leave you. Envy jealousy is being jealous of someone else, such as their qualities, possessions and resources.

The feelings experienced when in a state of jealousy include resentment, hurt, anger, a sense of inadequacy, failure or humiliation and a sense of powerlessness and frustration. Both types might also involve a tendency to compare yourself to someone else, feeling inferior or lacking something and ultimately holding your perceptions of inferiority with high importance.

The defining characteristics of rival jealousy involve the fear of losing someone important. There is a degree of insecurity, despite there being many other positive aspects to the relationship. In fact, individuals reporting this type of jealousy claim that they are in the best relationship they have ever been in, and it is because of this that the individuals fear losing something so important.

A certain degree of jealousy can be a positive thing. It shows that humans have feelings and are not completely robotic. However, partially due to the stigma surrounding jealousy, it can create feelings of shame and guilt.

However, when jealousy begins to take control of one’s life, the negative connotations are more than just feelings of shame and guilt. Rival jealousy can be a dangerous thing. It shakes a relationship from its foundation: trust. This jealousy can create an internal torment – should two people that do not trust each other even be together? And if you are together, should you let jealousy create boundaries and restrictions in a relationship?

Jealousy is more of a thought and state of mind than a feeling. Individuals that suffer from jealousy choose to view the world from a certain perspective. It is usually that low self-esteem or childhood trauma affected their outlook on life. So what can be done if jealousy becomes the woman in charge?

Jealousy can be seen as a vicious cycle with many entry points. Each entry point is the result of an irrational, negative thought, insecurity, or a mental projection. They feed onto each other, each entry reinforcing the next. However, this also implies that an improvement can be seen if one or two of these entry points are tackled and dealt with.

Using women as an example (although men experience jealousy just as much), an insecurity would be a woman doubting their beauty and self-worth. This could lead to an irrational thought such as “my partner will look for other beautiful women to compensate for my lack of it” which is then projected as a fear and dislike of all beautiful women.

In overcoming jealousy, there are a few steps that can be taken:

Recovering personal power: this involves regulating your own emotions so that reactive behaviour can be controlled.

Shifting your point of view: taking the time to think through a situation that instigates jealousy before deciding to act upon it.

Identifying core beliefs: creating a list of insecurities or irrational thoughts that trigger jealousy.

Self-awareness: acknowledging that the irrational thoughts and beliefs are untrue.

Developing control over attention: consciously playing in your head scenarios and emotions they create.

Bear in mind that jealousy is a natural response and it can create no harm if it is contained and channelled in a positive manner. Having other people flirt with your partner is normal. It is flattery in its almost finest form on both sides. It’s important to remember that flirting does not necessarily lead to cheating.

What should always be considered is that trust is the foundation of any relationship and insecurities should not be allowed to destroy yours.