Serial dating and the art of seduction

We all know the popular phrase ‘a girl’s gotta eat’, but between all the lectures, seminars and checking the Topshop website for updates, it’s a wonder we find any time at all to cook a decent meal. And decent meals cost money. Money we may not necessarily have because we’ve been scouring online for that pair of can’t-live-without leopard-print heels. What if I could tell you I’ve found a way for you to enjoy the best of Warwick’s cuisine without having to open your wallet or swipe your trusty bright pink card?

Got your attention? Good, listen up. I have a friend who hasn’t had to pay for dinner a single day this week! Yes, an entire week of free meals, free drinks and God knows what else. I’ve been at home nursing what seems like my 567th packet of super noodles – chicken flavour – and she’s eaten her way through half of the Dirty Duck’s menu. ‘How does she do it?’ I hear you ask. Well, either she’s hit the jackpot and found herself Daddy Warbucks, or she’s mastered the elusive art of serial dating.

Whatever her secret is, her techniques are about to be revealed. After careful study of this magnificent male predator, I’ve come up with some top tips for every girl to bag her very own meal ticket. I mean after all, we’re all on a student budget! So here goes:

Develop an accent

Something exotic and mysterious. I’m not quite sure how it works, but it does. I assume a sultry foreign accent appeals to the protective gene located in the male chromosomes… it’s all very scientific. “You’re not from around here, you can’t take care of yourself, and you probably haven’t eaten for days. Let me take you to dinner,” he says. Think more Sofia Vergara, less Borat.

Eye contact is key

The importance of pretending to be interested in what your date is saying cannot be stressed enough. Even if you’re more absorbed by the description of the mushroom ravioli than his Star Wars conversation starters, gaze deeply into his eyes and let him imagine your entire future together in yours. Finding the perfect balance between a seductive glance and a serial killer stare could be all that’s stopping you from free meal number two.

Get up close and personal

Men like to feel important. Men like to feel in control, that’s why they refuse to take directions from anyone and that’s why they’ll love it when you make an effort to get to know them. Ask him about his family, laugh at his jokes, compliment him shamelessly and casually use phrases like “You intrigue me.” Chances are, he’ll be so caught up in explaining why he thinks his father didn’t love him as a child, he won’t notice you’re about to order your second dessert!

Respect yourself

When I was younger my grandma sat me on her lap and said: “No one wants to buy the cow when they can get the milk for free.” At the time I thought, “Great, grandma’s losing her mind,” but now it makes perfect sense. Free food doesn’t have to mean free entry into the promise land. You’ve secured yourself a first date, he’s paid for the cheque, you’ve already won half the battle! Warm-blooded males love the chase; it would be unforgivable to not give him what he so desperately needs. Why not do him a favour and string him along with the hopes of that third date first kiss whilst you enjoy the benefits of fine dining a little while longer? Just remember, no man likes a prude, so a gentle leg graze or tender arm stroke should tie him over till the next time.

Don’t get emotionally attached

There we have it. It’s foolproof. But, before you embark on this clever money-saving scheme, the most important rule to remember is, don’t get emotionally attached.

Don’t be scared to say goodbye

The main goal here is to develop a healthy, active romantic lifestyle and provide for the appetite that comes along with it. Besides, by the fourth date it’s probably better to say goodbye and move on to your next target rather than having to answer the dreaded “Where is this going?” relationship killer. If you are looking for love, it’s probably better to throw caution to the wind and just be yourself, but until then, I hear Gusto is taking reservations for two.