Don’t badger the badgers

Got a problem? Kill it – that’s what the government does. Terrorists? Evil dictators? Just kill the bastards. And then you don’t have to deal with them.

Most of us don’t really have a problem with the slaughter of the Bin Ladens and Gadaffis of this world. We can get over it, at least. It all becomes rather more sinister, though, when the subject of the killing is not a threat to national security in any sense but the humble badger – symbol of the proud heritage of England’s woodland creatures and mascot for our beloved fictional friends the Hufflepuff gang.

What have the badgers done to deserve all this shooting? Well, apparently they represent a threat to our stocks of walking beef – some call them ‘cows’ – whose liability to catch tuberculosis off our furry friends is a serious problem for farmers.
Far be it from the government, then, to carefully consider the options. Shoot first, think later, and fall back on your dodgy dossier until people forget about it – that seems to be the strategy.

Plenty of scientists with long strings of letters after their names and complicated statistics at their disposal are in favour of a badger cull, but that doesn’t mean that it’s the best idea. It’s been done before, at the cost of millions to the taxpayer, and borne poor results. There’s a whole load of better, more viable and simpler ideas out there – not least vaccinating badgers or cows – but they’ve been overlooked.

But the more serious problem, to my mind, is the way we’re approaching this whole issue. Why is it that we are prioritising these odious, lazy, flatulent, climate change-causing, cows over the noble badger? Why are we willing to crush the dreams of thousands of cute, innocent little woodland creatures for the sake of a bunch of backwards, farting milk machines?
The badger is more than just a black and white forest enigma – although it is undoubtedly that. It represents a pinnacle of evolution. Both heart-meltingly cute and awesomely vicious in self-defence, it is the Chuck Norris of the animal kingdom.

And we’re ready to kill these wonderful creatures in cold blood because a few angry web-toed country bumpkins are upset about their beloved steak depots dropping dead.
Cows, if you can’t handle the evolutionary heat, get out of the kitchen. Or get into the kitchen, preferably under the grill. I don’t really mind. Just don’t make the badgers suffer. They have enough problems with snakes and mushrooms as it is.