Loose Men: Xmas special

Every time the festive season comes around we divide into different camps. There are those who have got their selection of cheesy Rudolph ties lined up, and have already told their Mum what kind of advent calendar they want this year. And then there are those who have a mental breakdown in front of the television as soon as the Coca Cola advert comes on because Christmas is such a capitalist’s wet dream and people are all victims willingly throwing their cash into the accounts of dollar-eyed bankers.

Yes we know Mr Grinch, now go and sit in a dark room and read Trainspotting.

We should definitely stop moaning about Christmas and see it as a thing that should be utilised like a Swiss army knife. Don’t cut your throat with the knife, use it to whittle a horse from wood as a present to your baby cousin; people love a homemade present! Saying that, mix tapes and macaroni faces on paper plates don’t cut it; we have playlists now, and unless Damien Hurst does it first, pasta art strictly ends at age 4.

Buying presents doesn’t have to be that relationship-ending death march around shops with your girlfriend, oscillating through an overpriced home store with arms full of scented candles, coffee table books and Harry Potter trivia board games. As long as you give it a bit of time, you can do all your shopping on our good friend the Internet. They even have sites dedicated to recommending presents for fathers, sisters and girlfriends etc.

And whenever you buy a loved one a present, think, in the nicest way possible, what can I get out of this? No, you’re not a selfish douche bag; you just want to experience the Christmas fun together. For example, last year I got my old man a decent bottle of Scotch. Lo and behold, on Boxing Day evening he says, ‘shall we have a go on the Glenfiddich?’ Cheers to that Daddio.

Another Christmas dislike that should be demythologised is time spent with relatives. Yes, you may have to participate in odd things like sitting down as a collective and watching our useless monarch deliriously wander another step into senility on national television, or converse with neurotic cousins that are having their third child from their now third husband. But again, utilise the situation! Find the nearest and biggest bowl of peanuts and claim it. In fact, make a stock pile of all kinds of savoury goods.

Get your grandparents drunk: stories about their Church group turn into stories about their weird 50’s retro orgies. And if it all gets really painful you’re never too old to play with your presents on Christmas day, unless it’s a sex toy.

So spend this Christmas rolling around in pigs’n’blankets and chocolate coins embracing the falsity of it all, don’t be that guy that reminds every one of the global financial crisis whilst handing out rubbish presents. Eat, drink and be merry!