Discount Dating for Dunces

You’ll like this. The other day, in search of inspiration for my very own ‘Agony Aunt does dating’ article – minus one of those shamefully pre-scripted letters from ‘Kezza in Skegness’ who just can’t work out why her beau of ‘two magical weeks’ won’t father her chavvy children – I came across an online article about how to impress that special someone on a money saving blog. ‘Aha!’ I mused, ‘This will give me a push in the right direction…’ Oh how I was wrong. Among the list of, let’s be honest, pathetic ideas for cheap dates (‘get a take-away,’ ‘have a picnic’ – yeah, you’re really blowing my mind here) was one that truly stood out to me as particularly imbecilic: ‘find shapes in the clouds together.’

Er, I’m sorry, what was that? Are you suggesting that I ask a potential shag to join me in a midday search for sky-bound bunnies while I attempt at being frugal yet ‘romantic’? Even worse, are you seriously implying that I won’t immediately block said ‘wooer’ from my Facebook, Twitter and so forth after he stupidly mistakes me for a nursery bound five year-old?

You can imagine my outrage. Said blog quite clearly points us cash-strapped daters in the way of an inevitable, and quite frankly epic, fail. You can also, I hope, imagine my urge to discourage those of you who may have stumbled unsuspectingly upon similar ‘advice’ columns from committing one of two cardinal dating sins.

1. No showing you’re cheap, even if you’re classmates previously voted you ‘most likely to rummage through the dustbins outside your local Tesco for a free packet of Dairylea Dunkers’ and
2. NO CLOUD BUNNIES.

Now, swiftly hopping on. No doubt all of you recession Romeos will already be aware of the great deals to be found on the likes of ‘studentbeans.com’ and ‘vouchercodes.co.uk,’ but for those of you who haven’t yet ventured into the wonderful world of online discount vouchers, consider yourselves warned, the time is nigh.

Not only are meal vouchers the perfect way to treat your chosen lady to that romantic meal without breaking the bank (my current favourite being two main courses for £12.95 at Zizzi’s (vouchercodes.com), they’re also the easiest and least time consuming option for those of you who, as it happens, don’t have all the time in the bloody world to be pissing about planning a thoughtful yet predictably dull picnic for two, dependent on our crappy British weather.

One word of advice, however. Vouchers are acceptable on all but the first date. This is when you need to show her how generous, kind and ‘insert heart-warming adjective here,’ you are. Oh, and to all the naysayers I can hear piping up from Westwood or somewhere as equally non-descript, you who doth claim that equality rules in the 21st century and as such we must at very least ‘go dutch,’ or hell, ‘why not make the gal pay? We’re all students here!’ Stop being such pikey bastards. You’ll thank me when she returns your text the next day.