Crouching tiger, hidden hippo

This week a South African farmer was mauled to death by his pet hippopotamus. In a tale reminiscent of a Disney film gone bad, Marius Els was killed and left to rot in a swamp by the 1.2 tonne animal, which he had adopted as a five-month old orphan and lovingly christened Humphrey.

The unfortunate Els had earlier claimed that Humphrey was ‘like a son to me’. Although all fathers and sons have their disagreements, the likelihood of being decapitated by a moody child isn’t quite the same as having your head bitten off by one of the most dangerous land mammals on the African continent.

The obsession with keeping dangerous animals as ‘domesticated’ pets is nothing new, but a recent spate of particularly gruesome incidents has grabbed public attention.

In late October of this year, images of dozens of slain exotic animals surfaced on the Internet after police were forced to kill scores of them when their (late) owner, one Terry Thompson, kindly liberated his large collection of pets from their cages on October 18th before shooting himself. 48 animals in total, including bears, lions and tigers, were shot after deputies claimed that the animals had charged and posed a considerable threat to the public. Lions and tigers and bears, oh my! indeed.

This unlikely tale is the latest in a string of tragic stories, which involve a false sense of kinship with creatures well-equipped to maim and dismember our comparably fragile bodies. So, what can we infer about choosing large predators as pets and putting bears over bros for the Lads’ Holiday 2003?

Considering the outpouring of grief and rage surrounding the Zanesville farm incident, it seems that the lives of animals rank somewhat higher than the lives of people. Indeed, after a quick browse through the Daily Mail’s cerebrally stimulating comments section we are led to believe that the slaughter of domesticated animals is a sinister conspiracy. Indeed one Doris Grimshaw, who left no less than five separate comments in the space of 19 minutes claimed that “this should be ..Investigated ..like Columbine…or Kennedy was..!!! cos.. summin ain’t right here.?” [sic]

But with tigers in Texas far outnumbering those left in the wild, it seems our obsession with dangerous animals is unlikely to abate.

Perhaps Hollywood should release a film about a young boy who dotes upon his rescued pet alligator, Mr Happy Snappy, concluding with the boy slowly decomposing in Mr Happy Snappy’s stomach acid.

Keep your boa constrictors, mountain lions and Hungarian Horntails. I’m happy to lust over the prospect of one day owning a pug. It might be a damn sight uglier than a baby leopard, but at least it won’t treat me as a human Happy Meal.