This is the Premier League, please leave your sanity at the door

Two days a year, Sky Sports News celebrates its very own version of Christmas. Forget decking the halls, singing carols and pulling crackers, instead they rejoice in the joy brought on by that most manic of occasions: transfer deadline day.

Last year, the era of frivolity seemed to be dying out once and for all. For years, football had lived in some sort of quasi-autonomous realm, separate from reality. Whilst England and much of Europe battled through a recession, football clubs the length and breadth of the continent continued spending extortionate fees on transfers and wages, seemingly oblivious to the outside world. By January 2010, the two universes appeared to have aligned; spending by Premier League sides in that winter transfer window totalled a mere £30 million, a marked drop from previous years.

Twelve months down the line, and the customary insanity that seemingly proliferates from all edifices of the game has once more returned. Perhaps upon hearing that the country, though only

marginally, was officially out of recession, the clubs of the top division saw this as their cue to get the credit cards back out. Whatever it was, a total of £225 million exchanged in transfer fees in this year’s January window suggests that, for football, its business as usual once more.

Whilst the numbers involved are jaw-dropping themselves, what beggars belief more is when

observers take a step back and deduce what sort of value the clubs have received for their money.

It is perhaps paradoxical that the biggest spenders, Chelsea, are those that can most justify it. £50 million is an enormous amount of money for anyone whose sole claim to fame is his ability to kick a football, but only a fool would deny that Fernando Torres is world-class. Meanwhile, in David Luiz they have acquired a centre-back who looks likely to be a fixture in their side for many years to come, and hence the £20 million or so that they’ve parted with for his services looks a little more acceptable when viewed in this context.

Head north from the capital though, and the issue of value becomes a lot more bemusing, with

Torres’ former paymasters the chief culprits. Having witnessed the return of their king in the form of Kenny Dalglish, ardent Kopites now find their side in possession of a brand new strikeforce. In Luis Suarez, signed for roughly £23 million from Ajax, the assumption seems to be that they have signed a top quality forward. Though the Uruguayan’s new team-mate Dirk Kuyt is proof that an abundance of goals in the Dutch Eredivisie does not necessarily translate to the same potency in England, the Reds can possibly justify the money spent on this new arrival.

Suarez’s new strike partner, though, is the new poster boy for the madness of the Premier League. Andy Carroll’s first full season in the top tier of English football has undoubtedly been a success thus far. Hitting the ground running with a hat-trick in Newcastle’s 6-0 demolition of Aston Villa, the young man born and bred in the north-east has maintained a high level of performance since, and aroused the interests of other clubs. A worthwhile buy for Dalglish then?

But really, some perspective is needed. The fee of £35 million is staggering. That makes Carroll the eighth most expensive footballer in the history, ranking him near such star names as David Villa, Luis Figo and Zinedine Zidane. It makes him the most expensive British footballer ever. Not bad for a man with just fourteen Premier League goals to his name.

In addition, we have to ask: why did Liverpool do it? A floundering start to the season under Roy Hodgson means that, even with their brilliant 1-0 win at Chelsea last weekend, they are unlikely to break back into the top four this year. Instead the best they can hope for is a Europa League spot, which they weren’t too far from in the first place. Signing Carroll, who may even be ruled out until the summer, seems unlikely to drastically change their season.

There are other considerations too that are worthy of note, such as the youngster’s well-documented troubles off the field, but ultimately we are drawn once more to that fee. Thirty-five million pounds. Even taking into account the money received for Torres, such a price tag is incredible. They could have waited until the summer, when they would more than likely have got their man at a smaller price.

But then, had they done that, it would have gone against another of the Premier League’s great

traits: impatience. Usually shown via the managerial market, Chris Hughton’s pre-Christmas

dismissal a prime example, football clubs seem to think any small wound requires drastic surgery, as opposed to a light dabbing of the ointment. Liverpool’s signing of Carroll smacks of panic buying, attempting to rescue a season that has long since died, and is indicative of English football as a whole.

Of course, the hacks at Sky Sports News loved every minute. A special mention must be reserved

for presenter Jim White. The Scotsman can be found each and every deadline day on our television

screens, his face puce with schoolboy-esque excitement whilst his scarcely coherent Glaswegian

voice bellows at reporters positioned around the country. Meanwhile his paymasters look on in glee, as football continues an era-long process of eating itself from within.

Little thought goes out to the repercussions such events like this will have in the long run. The murky dealings in such transfers, and indeed contract renewals within clubs, are often kept well away from the public eye, so agents can profit from them with slim chance of getting into trouble.

Furthermore, the circus of the Premier League operates almost entirely independent of those clubs further down the ladder, and the financial gap between the leagues grows ever wider.One day it will all come to an end. Though they may like to think otherwise, football clubs and the Premier League do not exist in a different world to the rest of us. Soon, the wealthy owners will get bored and walk off into the sunset. The fans will have been alienated completely and not bother turning up. The players, so consumed by greed, simply won’t care any more. The money will dry up. And then perhaps somebody somewhere will realise that something has to change.

Deadline day is wickedly entertaining, but for all the wrong reasons.