Witness the Fitness

I have dragged my feet to the library (second floor) at 9am in my JW trackies, Warwick Snow hoody and flipflops (previously worn with ease) for the last time. You’ll no longer see me with unwashed hair, and so blatantly a-hanging à la Humanities either. And I certainly won’t be found milling around without make-up on campus. And why..? The Fit-Finder has arrived – and the pressure is on.

We must thank UCL Computer Science student Rich Martell for this new shameless slab on the pathway to mass-procrastination. UCL no longer have exclusivity with FF; at the time of writing they’re accompanied by 27 other ‘learning’ establishments including Oxbridge and naturally, us.

Originally a tool of flattery to bring to light – but not necessarily woo – those casually concealed fitties, FitFinder has recently morphed into a more offensive persona. The offenders bat around banterous accusations of “obese and wobbling,” “slight tash” and “dresses like my Grandad.” Is the crudeness any better or worse? “I would.” ”Banging.” ”I want him to pound me
senseless.”

“Male, black hair. Guy sitting in front of journals, white shirt, cropped style jeans… I love your stubble, you can rub it against me any time!” Shocking, but literally laugh out loud.

There is minor (major) excitement if your description appears upon the fiftieth Ctrl-R – picture a scene similar to the weekly lottery number results:

“Brunette?” Yes.
“Tall?” Yes!
“Wearing a green stripy top.” Yes!
‘In the sofa area.” Oh my God!
‘Wants my ****.’

Oh. I don’t think I do want his **** actually.

The other day upon log-on, it was evident that new use had emerged – old-school naming and
shaming:

“Female, blonde, sitting in middle of floor 2 and wearing a pink top: massive Schlaggg with multiple STIs.” Dear God; a wealth of possibilities are flitting to the forefront of my rather overactive imagination. I can see it now:

“Female, other hair, library road side on rectangle table – terrible in bed…”

Or worse:
“Male, dark hair, Learning Grid, fit T-shirt – shame about his tendency to lure in women with his ‘niceness’ and then treat them inexcusably.”

Wow. All of a sudden this isn’t so lighthearted any more. On the flipside, perhaps this will unite millions of lonely hearts over ‘Introduction to Genetic Analysis’/’Tort Law’/’Hammer Grammar’ and a flock of MacBook Pros.

“Average height, brunette: You’re dishier than my Dell; call me!”