Confessions of a Facebook Stalker

Snooping. Skirting around. ‘Just having a flick through Joe’s latest night out photos’. No matter how you disguise it, millions of internet users/abusers indulge pretty much daily in a spot of face book stalking. I will hear no denials and accept no excuses – I know as well as you do that the last time you exercised your right to stalk was… within the last 2 hours. Let me set something straight, we are NOT talking about genuine psycho-stalking, okay? Not turning up in bushes outside your ex’s house, nor ‘coincidently’ finding your way to 21st parties (to which you weren’t really and truly invited)… No no, this is supposedly somewhat more light hearted. Note: supposedly.

Facebook is The Perfect Way to find out everything you need to know about newly identified ‘love’ intendees. It starts well. Your eyes immediately flick to seek a relationship status… none given. Must be single. Interests: Chilling with friends… (Oh Em Gee. I LOVE being with my friends! We have so much in common). Fishing… (I could definitely learn to love fish). So you delve further, already in too deep and too carried away to realistically stop what’s to follow. Photos- my my, a can of worms is opened now. ’Who’s that girl/boy he/she is draped over?!’ ’Oh my goodness, SO fit! But since when does she/he hang out with him/her?!’ ’Kat. Kat? Who on EARTH is Kat?!’ Cue: obsessive behaviour. Before you know it, your homepage will become ’Pete/Petra Smith’s’ profile. You will go through it with a fine-tooth comb approximately… every ten minutes. On campus without a laptop? No problem at all. Just pop along to the beloved library for a sneaky peak at their morning’s activities! (Their profile definitely won’t have changed since lunch time yesterday however…)

And so the hours waste away. Why are you awake at 3am the morning an essay is due? Because it has in fact, been more important/appealing to depress yourself with pictures of your dream lover partying with someone else – God forbid – and it is truly saddening! I won’t lie… Tears have been known to fall as a result of stalking. My happiness actually depends on the outcome of this shameless stalking and if I’m honest, it is so rare that I find what I want to, that I really should just stop. If any relief is to be found in this doomed and laborious routine, its that everyone else is doing it.

But guaranteed, all the while I possess my FB profile, I will continue this ridiculous behaviour.

**Tips for ultimate FB-Stalking efficiency:**

– Leave no trace, no sarky comments regarding the pictures you have examined to the mega-pixel

– Absolutely do NOT mention the information you stalked… Awkward times lay ahead if you let slip that you know everything they’ve done since the beginning of Facebook

– Try and keep yourself under control- know when to X facebook goodbye for the day