Joe – America’s top plumber since Mario

Guess who’s got a new job as a correspondent to the Gaza strip. Of course, it makes sense – this is a man who embodies everything that Palestinians love about America: Christian conservatism, an affiliation with the ardently pro-Israeli Republican Party and sheer ignorance. That’s right, who else but the world’s least favourite average middle-class American, Joe “Wurzelbacher” the Plumber – one of the few people whose epithet takes precedence over his real name.

I am sick to death of hearing about Average Joe. At first, all he did was ask a question of Barack Obama and suddenly he had a load of media intrusion into his life when John McCain brought him up in a debate, and I felt a little sorry for him. It quickly became apparent that not only had he lied when he said his earnings would put him in Obama’s top tax bracket, and he owed outstanding taxes, but he was revelling in the spotlight.

The ill-informed, arrogant and downright irritating opinions of Plumber quickly became the voice of the American working man. He was soon being wheeled out at McCain/Palin campaign rallies and being called to practically every news station to tell the world how Obama was a “socialist” and that a vote for Obama would be a vote for the death of Israel. Then, after the election was over, he ‘wrote’ a book in which he said that he didn’t even support McCain. Despite all of his appearances at rallies and support, he merely felt it was the “lesser of two evils” (Barack Obama, of course, being an anti-American Marxist).

So now he’s off to Gaza for conservative news site pjtv.com. All credit to him, he’s well prepared: he’s even been watching the news so he can know how to “pronounciate” – that’s right – some of the place names. But, he is asked, doesn’t he think it will be dangerous out there? How will he stay safe? Oh it’s okay, he responds. He’s a Christian, so he’s pretty safe because God will protect him. Perhaps he should share this with the Palestinians being bombed daily – if only you were Christians, you’d be safe like me.

He’s recently said that journalists shouldn’t be allowed anywhere near war. He said this as a journalist. To other journalists. In a war zone. But he doesn’t see himself as a regular reporter, because he can ask much more honest, unbiased and to-the-point question, such as this journalistic gem to an Israeli reporter: “The story here is people are being killed and the media’s slanting it and trying to make it Hamas is, uh, as far as, that Israel’s being bad. Do you believe Israel is bad?” It turns out the reporter didn’t. As we can see, Plumber has got to the heart of the issue here and given us an entirely new perspective: we now know that some Israelis don’t think that Israel is bad. Kudos Joe, this is Pulitzer material.

I now have a list beginning with five Americans (though I’m sure it will expand) that I would like to poke with sharp things in uncomfortable places: Sean Hannity (‘liberalism is equated with terrorism and despotism’), Ann Coulter (‘9/11 widows are enjoying their husbands’ deaths’), Bill O’Reilly (‘I will personally bankrupt France’), Sarah Palin (‘I’m just misunderstood, really’) and Joe the Plumber.