Why Trump Will (Probably) Win: The Democratic Party 2020

With the midterm elections over, the Democratic Party in America is now facing the tough choice of who should be its candidate for the 2020 presidential election. We check in on some of the potential picks.

The front runner for the 2020 nomination as it stands is Bernie Sanders, whose authenticity to the socialist brand goes all the way back to his school days with Karl Marx. When it transpired that Bernie was in fact a member of the one percent he rallies against and that he donated little to charity, he issued a statement: “I promise to be more generous with other people’s money in the future.”

Massachusetts senator Elizabeth Warren was seen as a front runner for 2020, but her campaign has been struggling at the moment – as such, she is one of the key players pushing for impeachment. “I am going to send a strong message to President Donald Trump,” she said, before sitting down outside her office and launching angry smoke signals towards the White House.

Beto O’Rourke was seen as a potential leader by the media, until they found a new and more inter-sectional candidate in gay mayor Pete Buttigieg. Asked how he felt by the loss of attention, O’Rourke said: “It’s like, a total bummer.” He then moped away on his skateboard, before getting his bowling team to seek money for his ruined rug. Buttigieg, on the other hand, gave an interview in which he blamed everything on Vice-President Mike Pence, before denying any obsession with Mike Pence.

Biden said he wanted to follow in the tradition of previous leaders like Obama and Bill Clinton, leading an increase in sales of pepper spray amongst female Democratic interns.

The latest person to come out is former Vice-President Joe Biden, who said that he would definitely choose a woman as his running mate. “Being President is a stressful job,” he explained, “so what if I need to creepily sniff someone’s hair to help unwind?” He said he wanted to follow in the tradition of previous leaders like Obama and Bill Clinton, leading an increase in sales of pepper spray amongst female Democratic interns.

Smaller candidates like Seth Moulton, Wayne Messam and Mike Gravel were invited to present themselves to the winder public, but had to decline when they realised that even they didn’t know who they were. Amy Klobuchar was so angry, she got a chair and beat one of her staffers unconscious.

Apparently, she quite liked the idea of being the leader of the free world, until she realised that that also included Israel.

Despite the Democratic field being roughly 18 million at the moment (and growing), some Democrats have declined to run. One such person is fresh-faced politician Ilhan Omar, representative for Minnesota. Apparently, she quite liked the idea of being the leader of the free world, until she realised that that also included Israel.

She’s not old enough to run, but all eyes are on former bartender and Democrat thought leader (despite having have zero thoughts since her election) Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez to see who she’ll endorse. She’s currently occupied with Snopes, which began fact-checking satire pieces about her – it had to stop, however, when it turned out that the stupidest claims it was debunking were the batshit crazy things she actually says.

One major question that has haunted the party is whether Hillary Clinton will appear again in 2020, eager for one last crack at high office (until the next one, that is). The latest reports say she is prowling a nearby woods, the stench of whisky on her breath, still coming up with excuses as to why she lost in 2016. However, given that the Mueller report confirmed a lack of Russians and, thus, her own terrible candidacy, she is unlikely to run, in what can only be described as a terrible blow for Republicans.

Meanwhile, President Trump was sitting comfy in the Oval Office. When asked whether he feared any of the potential Democratic nominees, he laughed: “Look at them – I’m gonna be here until 2024!”

(The following is a piece of satire)