Brave New Warwick: what does the future hold for this university?

As our lack of an exam timetable reminds us daily, the sheer scale of incompetence on display at Warwick is astounding. And so, in response, it seems necessary to ask the best and most intelligent question any person can ever ask in response to bad news: what does the future hold? I humbly submit my predictions.

Warwick’s Study Abroad team will allocate all students due to commence years abroad places at the University of Birmingham. Twenty-four different WarwickLove posts will make the same joke about how, to be fair, you can’t really understand what they’re saying up there.

Chris Grayling MP, Secretary of State for Transport, will be appointed Head of Timetabling at Warwick’s exams office. Apparently, he introduced a timetable last May and it went swimmingly. You can’t argue with results.

All books in the library will be replaced with microwaves. A History student will ask where all the books are, only to be told to fuck off by all other undergraduates collectively who are loving their ready meals.

As everyone at Warwick is from London anyway, the entire campus will just be moved to London. It won’t particularly matter because students will still be able to use the line about how the university ‘isn’t actually in Warwick’ when family members ask how their studies are going.

Warwick Business School will go bankrupt after miscalculating its finances. Twenty-four different WarwickLove posts will make the same joke about how profit equals revenue minus costs, all using slightly different wording.

Stuart Croft will be elected the next Editor-in-Chief of The Boar, after successfully arguing that the only people who can possibly work out what senior management are doing and hold them to account are senior management themselves

Warwick Sport will up its prices, with a basic membership costing £4 million per annum. Luckily, with the new sports centre being located so far from central campus, students will be able to get all the exercise they need simply by walking to the facility, staring bitterly at it and returning to their halls. 

As Arts Centre improvement works overrun, graduations will have to be held at IKEA Coventry. No one will really mind, as IKEA’s architecture is as appealing as that of the Arts Centre, and the meatballs are pretty nice as well as reasonably priced.

Warwick SU will advocate a no-deal Brexit.

A bus will explode in a giant ball of fire as it approaches campus. Again.

Stuart Croft will be elected the next Editor-in-Chief of The Boar, after successfully arguing that the only people who can possibly work out what senior management are doing and hold them to account are senior management themselves. Only the fearless independent outlet The Tab will remain to protect student interests, and let us take a quiz to determine which of the same twenty-four WarwickLove posts we are. 

(The following is a piece of satire)